Apechemist

Head Bazooka Joe comic strip writer

[Apechemist @apechemist]

For my legions of tween followers, billion dollar podcast idea: The quarantine quarrel teens

[Apechemist @apechemist]

@SameSadEcho “Donald Trump's criminally negligent response to COVID-19 is literally killing people.” Die. Repeat.

[Apechemist @apechemist]

@dschoenfield Harrison had some good seasons after that, but nothing close to that 2014 season. And his play before 2014 gave no reason to think he was capable of something like that.

[Apechemist @apechemist]

@dschoenfield Nice story. As a Pirates fan, I’d say Josh Harrison’s 2014 season is the biggest “out of nowhere” season. By bWAR he put up 5.6 WAR that year. Coming off the heels of 2013, a performance like that had me convinced that 2014 was their year.

[Apechemist @apechemist]

*BP manager with clumsy fingers texts status update on oil spill

OK boom errrrr I mean the boom is ok

[Apechemist @apechemist]

♪ ♪“Well, she’s 18”
I don’t know what you mean
The way her hymen looked
Get me last year’s to compare
How could I be a creepy father
Ooh, when I saw her lying there
♪ ♪

T.I. covers I Saw Her Standing There (So I took her to the gynecologist)

[Apechemist @apechemist]

In re: vasectomy sidespin solicitations. I am definitely interested, I am far too potent dont listen to anyone saying otherwise

[Apechemist @apechemist]

I'm no herb but im gonna announce I'm a spice. im cumin. Everywhere. Dont listen to my exes totally virile spice man here

[Apechemist @apechemist]

I'm no herb but im gonna announce I'm a spice. im cumin. Everywhere. Dont listen to my exes totally virile spice man here

[Apechemist @apechemist]

i said out loud to my wife, “Brady just threw a lollipop” which is sufficient justification to eat another 45 pieces of leftover Halloween candy

[Apechemist @apechemist]

@jimlohmar This news about the notre dame player getting catfished is crazy

[Apechemist @apechemist]

My God I knew he was a monster but my God

[Apechemist @apechemist]

Bud light Platinum more like bud light isn’tyum

[Apechemist @apechemist]

Trick or treat
smell my feet
oh god wait are you doing mr Ryan nooo

#deadspinevergreentopic

[Apechemist @apechemist]

@SameSadEcho @Rob__Sly why were you talking to the manager had problems making your deposits eh no surprise there

you meant sperm bank right hahahahahahaha

[Apechemist @apechemist]

@SameSadEcho Ahhh you must be expecting a visit from the spouse of [Deadspin commenter who is currently widely disliked and shit on (other than you)] Hahahaha

Sorry been away too long don’t know who to use

[Apechemist @apechemist]

What idiot called it deadspin and not “shitty website after being taken over by morons”

sorry i think i botched the joke format but I’m rusty

[Apechemist @apechemist]

@UweBollocks “The Grudge” is what you will have against its filmmakers if you accidentally watch it

[Apechemist @apechemist]

I really wish someone on the deadspin staff had trolled G/O by posting the price is right horn gif under a “Stick to Sports” post. Top 10 deadspin comment moment

[Apechemist @apechemist]

I’d respect the hell out of the deadspin staffers for quitting in masse BUT i know they’re a bunch of godless heathens so no surprise

see because in masse is like mass, and well ignore “in” to make it less clumsy

Christ (lol) this is why i went into exile

[Apechemist @apechemist]

That i logged back in to twitter in addition to drinking and watching sports all night means step one might be taken care of for me anyway