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i had a dream i was a gangsta

[XP @bananastand]

Is it is just me or…

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@JamieBonkiewicz

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@joeylinn_

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I desperately want a house and I do everything on your list:

- No smartphone
- Drive used car and make own meals
- Steal coffee daily
- Legally banned from all clubs
- Only subscribe to OnlyFans
- Can’t get a mortgage because I am a convicted felon

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@HPotterUniverse Is he aware he can do something else with his time and life

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@turntineforwhat I would kill to have your net worth

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@kaitduffy Hey you know it isn’t cool to share screenshots of our texts on Twitter without express written consent

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"If my aunt had a penis, she would be my uncle" -Captain Obvious

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"I'm going to prune your entire genetic tree!" -very scary murderer who dabbles as an amateur horticulturist

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Overheard in the hallways of Hell: "I wanted a son who was also my wife"

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"Don't think 'I Kant', think 'I Kan'!" -blundering motivational speaker version of Immanuel Kant

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Very ironic that Colonel Sanders was definitely pro slavery

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"ho ho ho!" -rude pimp or polite Santa Claus

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#TBT the song playing when I got my first kiss (which was fantastic). I'm saluting you, Mark Richards. http://t.co/vLrDfSKwyg

[Megan Amram @meganamram]

If they had really wanted to do a realistic wish for Batkid they should've killed his parents

[XP @bananastand]

I see the light...but wait a minute...something's not right. Why is there a deep baritone voice screaming "WELCOME TO HELL"

[LeBron James @KingJames]

Napier and Boatright controls both ends of the floor. Reminders of Bibby and Simon. That good!!

[XP @bananastand]

Fun April Fools prank: Dial 911, scream "I KNOW YOU'RE A RAPIST," and hang up. Then let the laughs roll in

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Chances are, you have poor bedside manner

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Finally my middle school dream of eating Taco Bell for every meal of the day has come true. Thanks @tacobell #ULTRALIVE