Michael Ian Corso

I hate social media and I hate you. Now follow me and like my shit.

[Michael Ian Corso @CorsoComedy]

‘Vansplaining’ is when I have to explain to the women in the back of my van why I’m kidnapping them.

[Michael Ian Corso @CorsoComedy]

Not every movie with JK Simmons is great, but I just assume any movie without him is a piece of shit.

[Michael Ian Corso @CorsoComedy]

@mister_blank Then the leprechaun’s curse be upon thee!

[Michael Ian Corso @CorsoComedy]

🍀Happy St. Patrick’s Day!🍀

If you’re sad about the quarantine, here’s a leprechaun I made to cheer you up! 🌈

[Michael Ian Corso @CorsoComedy]

@DayBump @KKalwaysSays @BrennanMichaelP @manda_tee1 @goodowens @troubleinheels1 @Cycloptomese 🐫🐪🐫
https://t.co/lBPOzpMGsC

[Michael Ian Corso @CorsoComedy]

So you think your depression is worse than mine, do you? Ha! Rookie mistake.

[Michael Ian Corso @CorsoComedy]

Pretty rude of people who wipe off their seats at the gym. Like, how am I supposed to sniff that now?

[Michael Ian Corso @CorsoComedy]

@Under1kContest Gracias
https://t.co/wQnXAES6fP

[Michael Ian Corso @CorsoComedy]

My testicles are named ‘Rizzoli & Isles’ because one has a no-nonsense attitude, while the other is twice as big, with a darker complexion.

[Michael Ian Corso @CorsoComedy]

@tap_tap_tap1 🌯🌯🌯
https://t.co/z0DD89UXYy

[Michael Ian Corso @CorsoComedy]

“Shhh... Be not afraid,” I whisper to my breakfast burrito. “For the time has come to shed this...transportal foil...”

Thanks, folks. I’ll be here all week.

[Michael Ian Corso @CorsoComedy]

@MythicPicnic 2 Music and 1 TV

https://t.co/GpOgA89mtW

https://t.co/KWKyTlwQAq

https://t.co/T1BbzETCYU

[Michael Ian Corso @CorsoComedy]

Watched all EIGHT HOURS of The Witcher and didn’t see Henry Cavill’s penis ONCE!

0 STARS

CANCELLING MY NETFLIX SUBSCRIPTION

[Michael Ian Corso @CorsoComedy]

@MyNameIsArchaic Hope ya feel better soon 😕
https://t.co/ia8RE3VSkO

[Michael Ian Corso @CorsoComedy]

My dad jokes bring a lot of ‘ointment’ to my family... ‘DISAPP’OINTMENT, THAT IS!!!

(my wife took the kids to her sister’s 2 months ago & still won’t return my calls)

[Michael Ian Corso @CorsoComedy]

@PoodleSnarf Congrats! 🎉
https://t.co/iQ3HvAmT77

[Michael Ian Corso @CorsoComedy]

Those aren’t different actors playing Colonel Sanders. Those are his reincarnations whenever Chik-Fil-A’s assassins are successful.

[Michael Ian Corso @CorsoComedy]

@ravenswng_ Gracias
https://t.co/7kYanpGw35

[Michael Ian Corso @CorsoComedy]

Should I seek medical attention if I’ve had an erection lasting 4 hours/watched 2 Tom Hardy movies in a row?

[Michael Ian Corso @CorsoComedy]

@MissV12345 @TheSundayServi @StewieTea2 🍩 🤭

[Michael Ian Corso @CorsoComedy]

@LazyFunday ☠️ DEATH! 💀
https://t.co/Hw5UsMWQGZ

https://t.co/UbYdIlbc60

https://t.co/jG7PF27bil

[Michael Ian Corso @CorsoComedy]

I’ll die never telling where I buried all those hookers in Vegas, but I’ll be damned if I leave any library book late fees on my conscience.

[Michael Ian Corso @CorsoComedy]

@TheSundayServi @StewieTea2 @MissV12345 Forgive me!!
https://t.co/UbYdIlbc60

[Michael Ian Corso @CorsoComedy]

I’ll know my inner child is dead when I no longer have to stifle a giggle over seeing a girl’s butthole the first time we have sex.

[Michael Ian Corso @CorsoComedy]

@TheSundayServi @StewieTea2 @MissV12345 Oh, the temptation!!!
https://t.co/U4wfiJ4P5w

[Michael Ian Corso @CorsoComedy]

A bukkake porno but it’s just a bunch of dudes squirting hollandaise sauce in my mouth.

[Michael Ian Corso @CorsoComedy]

Should I seek medical attention if I’ve had an erection lasting 4 hours/watched 2 Tom Hardy movies in a row?

[Michael Ian Corso @CorsoComedy]

@Poppylotti https://t.co/RzrgtuFZP5

[Michael Ian Corso @CorsoComedy]

Sex so bad I leave to find a different neighbor’s window to peep through.

[Michael Ian Corso @CorsoComedy]

@Fuckpretence Congrats 🎉
https://t.co/it7g1Qf8cZ

[Michael Ian Corso @CorsoComedy]

Establish dominance over the boomers by arriving first in line to the Chuck-A-Rama lunch buffet.

[Michael Ian Corso @CorsoComedy]

@RiotGrlErin @ByrdMan0914 Happy Saturday 🌞
https://t.co/qn4t8xUoBD

[Michael Ian Corso @CorsoComedy]

Starting a cash-only business where you can pay married men to let you sleep with their wives.

I call it: ‘Cucks For Bucks’