David Ingber

[David Ingber @davidingber1]

2020 QBs Ranked*

Goff
Carr
Lock
Ryan
Allen
Foles
Brees
Brady
Jones
Wentz
Rivers
Murray
Wilson
Burrow
Newton
Watson
Darnold
Jackson
Winston
Haskins
Cousins
Rodgers
Mahomes
Trubisky
Brissett
Prescott
Mayfield
Stafford
Tannehill
Garoppolo
Fitzpatrick
Roethlisberger

*By Name Length

[David Ingber @davidingber1]

It's cool buying clothes for a 4 year old girl, because you go to a store and the tag says "Girl, 4 years"

I wish adult clothing sizes worked that way and that every 100 year-old in the world was like 20 feet tall

[David Ingber @davidingber1]

My daughter threw my ear buds under the fridge for some reason and I was gonna get mad, but when I pulled them out, they hooked onto the expensive comb that she’d apparently also thrown under there that my wife had been looking for for weeks

[David Ingber @davidingber1]

*me, teaching a college course*

*i spot a Netflix executive in a trench coat at the back of the auditorium*

Netflix exec: we’ve got a new 10 part docuseries on heists and you’re just the man to binge it in one night

Me: *chuckling* im getting too old for this shit. Ok I’m in.

[David Ingber @davidingber1]

Me: do you want peanut butter and jelly? or a turkey sandwich?

Daughter: neither

Me: okay, peanut butter and turkey it is!

Me: *expecting a giggle and “dada you’re so silly!!!”*

Daughter: ugh, what? No

My daughter was 3 years old, had a birthday, and turned 16

[David Ingber @davidingber1]

Me: ok let’s start getting ready for bed

Her: no I have to hit this balloon with a fly swatter more

[David Ingber @davidingber1]

@byDavidGardner Teams shouldn’t be constrained by “five players on the court” at the same time. It should be a maximum of 35 feet of combined height

[David Ingber @davidingber1]

Sometimes I’m in awe of my wife’s parenting skills. About halfway through a long car ride, we notice our daughter getting kind of antsy. So my wife starts peppering *her* with “are we there yet?” repeatedly. She thought it was hilarious. Confused happiness the rest of the way.

[David Ingber @davidingber1]

This is how it goes when I’m golfing:

-bad shot
-worse shot
-bad shot
-bad shot
-embarrassingly bad shot
-what the hell was that shot
-half-decent chip

Me: “hey, I’m young enough that with the right coaching, I could probably still make the Tour”

[David Ingber @davidingber1]

I asked my daughter to stop wiping food off on her sleeve. Minutes later I caught her wiping food off her hands on the table legs. Is that progress?

[David Ingber @davidingber1]

Billion dollar business idea: babysitter closers.

Babysitter shows up at your house a half-hour before bedtime, hands you a beer, says “you were real innings eater out there today, champ, but we’re taking you out” and then they have to deal with the meltdowns

[David Ingber @davidingber1]

i don't usually get too sentimental/emotional, but at our father's day dinner last night, my wife asked our daughter what she loved about me, and she responded "he lets me watch videos on his phone". is someone chopping onions in here or what

[David Ingber @davidingber1]

Dads: “why are my neck and back randomly so sore today”

Dads everyday:

[David Ingber @davidingber1]

@FlockCwood Happened to me. It’s funny for two days and then not funny very very quickly hahaha

[David Ingber @davidingber1]

I’ve made some parenting mistakes along the way, but one thing I’ve definitely gotten right was training my toddler to say “solid” any time I do anything mildly impressive

[David Ingber @davidingber1]

My daughter just tried to bring a bunch of leaves she picked up into the house and i said “no they’re called leaves, because you have to *leave* them outside!” I was really proud of my spontaneous dad joke, but long story short there are like 50 leaves on my living room floor now

[David Ingber @davidingber1]

It’s been a tough week, but getting some very nice messages from friends and strangers on social media has made it much better.

Then my daughter asked me how mermaids take baths and I had no idea what to say so I’m back to feeling down on myself again. Happy Friday, everyone!

[David Ingber @davidingber1]

@gentile_justin @LefkoeShow @AdamLefkoe Thank you kindly !!

[David Ingber @davidingber1]

Parenting is a lot of “oh my god there’s a tiny venomous spider in her hair oh wait that’s a dried oat from three days ago whew”

[David Ingber @davidingber1]

There are certain moments as a dad where you’re like “you are SO my daughter” like just now when it went from sunny to pouring rain in two seconds and she immediately ran to the window to laugh at the soaking wet joggers

[David Ingber @davidingber1]

@StegNCheese Haha believe me, as it was happening, it felt like I was doing turn number 100

[David Ingber @davidingber1]

I usually do a 3 point turn to avoid backing out of our long, narrow driveway. Today, I was kinda lazy and it ended up being like a 7 point turn. My neighbor saw it and pursed his lips disapprovingly, so anyway now I have to move to a different house