Drano Raul (parody)

I travel the world in search of good things to tweet about. Mostly I tweet crap I think up. What a waste of money. I don't follow back spam accounts

[Drano Raul (parody) @DranoRaul]

Marriage tip: describe all women in work stories as older, heavyset, older *and* heavyset, or as men.

[mariana Z @mariana057]

My 77-year-old mother just informed me that she is going to her first "sex party" and doesn't know what to bring.

After some awkward questions, I said, "Gender reveal. You're going to a gender reveal."

[mariana Z @mariana057]

Netflix needs to stop asking if I'm still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.

[Lil Diabolic Farmer ❤🐿 @femalehobbyist]

I think everyone should take a big time out on politics.

[Dadman Standing @dadmann_walking]

wife: [dying and on a ventilator]

9, texting me: dad why aren't you approving my game request on my phone?

[Rick Aaron @RickAaron]

Autocorrect just changed “have a prosperous 2025” to “have a preposterous 2025” and I feel that’s much more likely.

[uncle ric @ihatethiskid]

Every time you think you have the TSA procedure down is when they will tell you to keep your laptop in the bag and call you a dumb bitch

[Creepy.org @creepydotorg]

I would trade the entire “Fast and Furious” franchise for just a part two of this movie.

Who’s with me?

[Michelle 🍎 @michelleDbelle]

There’s people out there who can go through life never apologizing for hurting you, and then there’s people like me who apologize to inanimate objects when we bump into them.

[phones with six ones @phones111111]

1000% tariffs on podcast equipment

[Natalie Would @_NatalieWould]

We get it, comma, you went to Oxford

[Mike F @DeputyWarlock]

my boss is so stupid, i lie to him constantly and he never figures it out. i'll be like "no problem" "sounds good" "no worries" "you got it" "no sweat" meanwhile it is a huge problem, it sounds like shit, he should be worried, he does not have it, and i am frequently sweating

[Ghostface Kryllah @kryzazzy]

Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes

Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”

[Jack Califano @jackcalifano]

In 31 years of age I think I’ve finally discovered the cure to depression and it’s just leaving the house at every single possible opportunity no matter how badly you don’t want to.

[Mom Jeans @momjeansplease]

My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.

[Martin Pilgrim @MartinPilgrim1]

If you'd told me as a child that one day I would have hundreds of robot followers, I would have imagined something much cooler than this.

[Ashley Andersen @Ashncoll]

Netflix did this shit to get back at us for sharing accounts.