Ramiro Castano | Relationship Safety

LMFT.
Relationship Expert & Emotional Safety Specialist.
All relationship problems come down to emotional safety.
I teach people how to create & protect it.

[Ramiro Castano | Relationship Safety @FYRelationshp]

A NYC dating expert just said something I want to put on my wall.

The title of our podcast episode together:

"It All Boils Down to Safety."

58 minutes on what makes relationships work, why conventional relationship advice fails, the difference between attraction and emotional safety, and how the emotion underneath a conflict is never really about the topic.

@AnnaMorgenstern of Dating Rehab asked great questions. Worth a listen.

https://t.co/lUnvnEjpR9

[Ramiro Castano | Relationship Safety @FYRelationshp]

I hope you don't beat yourself up (too much) over the "not knowing myself well enough." You, and everyone else, can't help but bring your past with you into a relationship. Everyone has pain in their history, and we're primarily wired to survive, so avoiding pain always wins by default.

That's why emotional safety is the name of the game and why couples where each partner makes the emotional environment they create for the other their responsibility.

[Ramiro Castano | Relationship Safety @FYRelationshp]

Once you understand what emotional safety actually is, you start seeing its presence and absence
everywhere.

In marriages. In workplaces. In families. In how strangers talk to each other online.

You can't unsee it after you see it.

[Ramiro Castano | Relationship Safety @FYRelationshp]

Which one? Emotional safety? You know it's funny you say that because there was a time, back when I first started using it, that this wasn't considered a therapy term.

My version, and simplest way I can explain it, is just simply being mindful of your impact on your partner.

I truly believe 90% of all relationship damage happens unintentionally, so being aware of the potential impact (and not just the intent) you will have on your partner with what you say and do is a big foundation to what I call emotional safety.

[Ramiro Castano | Relationship Safety @FYRelationshp]

The goal isn't a perfect relationship.

It's a safe one.

Perfection isn't available. But safety always has to be a choice.

It has to be made repeatedly, imperfectly, over the long term.

[Ramiro Castano | Relationship Safety @FYRelationshp]

I'm obviously biased, but I don't think that has to be true.

Like with any other profession or anything really, there are going to be some marriage counselors that are going to be better than others. Some are really good and some aren't. Some are going to be better fits than others.

But part of the problem I see with couples is that they wait until almost the literal last straw before they seek out someone. If you compare it to a car, instead of trying to do maintenance work or going to get things checked out when the first light comes on the dash, they often wait until every single light on the dashboard is on before they'll go speak to someone. That just makes fixing things a lot more difficult.

I know there's a lot of stigma attached to seeking marriage counseling and many people see it as a kiss of death to the relationship, but I truly believe if people sought out help before all the lights on the dash are on, the chances of them having a positive experience with a marriage counselor would go up significantly.

[Ramiro Castano | Relationship Safety @FYRelationshp]

I've been a LMFT for about 15 years and I'll say that couples therapy/relationship help has come a long way since that time.

Having said that, that still wasn't the best approach that counselor could have taken, but unfortunately that happens.

Like with any other profession or anything really, there are going to be some marriage counselors that are going to be better than others. Some are really good and some aren't. Some are going to be better fits than others.

But part of the problem I see with couples is that they wait until almost the literal last straw before they seek out someone. If you compare it to a car, instead of trying to do maintenance work or going to get things checked out when the first light comes on the dash, they often wait until every single light on the dashboard is on before they'll go speak to someone. That just makes fixing things a lot more difficult.

I know there's a lot of stigma attached to seeking marriage counseling and many people see it as a kiss of death to the relationship, but I truly believe if people sought out help before all the lights on the dash are on, the chances of them having a positive experience with a marriage counselor would go up significantly.

[Ramiro Castano | Relationship Safety @FYRelationshp]

"We're just not compatible."

I've heard some variation of that for 15 years.

It's almost never true.

What couples call incompatibility is almost always a safety problem in disguise. When the emotional story behind each position is actually understood, those seemingly insurmountable differences become surprisingly navigable.

The question isn't whether you're compatible. It's whether you've built enough safety to stop wondering.

I wrote about the myth of compatibility in this week's Relationship Reframe.

https://t.co/fvVMeSqmDm

[Ramiro Castano | Relationship Safety @FYRelationshp]

Attachment theory is a relational idea. It happens between two people.

You can do all the individual work you want. Your partner will still find ways to bring out those fears in you. That's just the way we're wired.

Security can only be built together.

I write about all of this in this week's Relationship Reframe article.
https://t.co/rqHQKDO1xG

[Ramiro Castano | Relationship Safety @FYRelationshp]

Every single conversation, statistic, talking point and behaviors about relationships needs more nuance.

A lot more nuance. You can't draw accurate conclusions from anything about anyone, especially when it comes to relationships, without having any context.

That doesn't stop people from trying to do so though, lol.

[Ramiro Castano | Relationship Safety @FYRelationshp]

Emotional safety ripples.

One safe relationship makes two people's lives better. Those two people affect everyone around them like
their children, their friends, their coworkers.

The ripple effect of one strong relationship extends further than most people realize.

[Ramiro Castano | Relationship Safety @FYRelationshp]

An internal locus of control means: if I take responsibility, things are fixable through me.

An external one means it's always in someone or something else's hands.

One of those produces empowerment and influence. The other produces passivity and helplessness.

In relationships, both partners choosing
the first one and understanding how to use it changes everything over the course of 50+ years.

[Ramiro Castano | Relationship Safety @FYRelationshp]

There's a lot of things people take for granted in relationships, just in general.

That leads to a lot of costly mistakes down the line.

There's two words that are absolutely the most dangerous for every relationship, if your goal is to have a relationship that thrives for 50+ years.

I wrote about what they are and what makes them so dangerous in this week's Substack article:

https://t.co/gvAJq8HHZ2

[Ramiro Castano | Relationship Safety @FYRelationshp]

You can't just create a "safe space" for someone in a moment because you call it that.

Safety is something that no one can be told or convinced of.

Safety is something that must be experienced. And that can only happen over time, little by little.

[Ramiro Castano | Relationship Safety @FYRelationshp]

My ultimate goal is to stop relationship problems before they start. When people have a car, they do routine maintenance to keep the dashboard lights from coming on. In my experience, couples wait until every light on the dash is on before asking for help.

I'm trying to change that which is why I've been focusing more on premarital work recently.

New piece on the one question couples should be asking before anything else. Would love to know your thoughts.

https://t.co/AxjBBKnL8m

[Ramiro Castano | Relationship Safety @FYRelationshp]

Most people don’t realize they’re eroding safety.

They think about relationships in terms of individual moments.

That's happening while their partner is unconsciously tracking a pattern of how safe it feels to engage, disagree, or be open.

[Ramiro Castano | Relationship Safety @FYRelationshp]

I'm still not entirely sure how to answer that question lol.

I'll answer as best I can this way. If someone were to tell me that they were going to start drinking 5 milkshakes a day, every day for the next year, I would feel confident in saying that they will have gained weight at the end of the year.

That doesn't mean they'd gain weight right away or even notice it at the beginning. But I don't think it would be a stretch to say they were going to gain a good amount of weight at the end of one year of doing that. That's just how it works.

To me, there's nothing inherently good or bad about that, it's just simply how the results predictably will play out.

I view what I'm telling you about relationships in the exact same way. I'm not saying what I'm saying because I think anger is good or bad or because I want to be right or make you wrong. None of that matters to me.

I'm just talking about the results of what ends up happening with anger in a relationship because that's just how it works.

There's no morality in this for me. People are always free to do what they want. But the results end up being the results.

So, going back to your question, what would I have to feel if I wasn't right about believing someone will gain weight at the end of a year of drinking 5 milkshakes every single day? Surprised? Shocked? Disbelief? I'm not sure, but I know the odds of being accurate would be in my favor.