Fake Metro Trains

The official parody Metro Trains Melbourne account. #MetroTrains

@[email protected] on Mastodon.

@fakemetrotrains.bsky.social on Bluesky.

[Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains]

We've moved to a Mastodon new server!

Fake Metro Trains is now on https://t.co/mQN5OCU3jL.

If you're following us on the old Mastodon server you should automatically follow our new account. If not simply follow @[email protected]

#MetroTrains
https://t.co/mQN5OCU3jL

[Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains]

Now the match is over, we're running extra services from the MCG to help all of you interstate cunts fuck off back home.

Thanks and bye.

#MetroTrains #AFLGF2026

[Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains]

Good: Football fans from two different states coming to experience our great city and all it has to offer.

Better: Double the opportunity to fine out-of-state visitors who don't understand how Myki works.

#MetroTrains

[Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains]

Good morning Melbourne!

We're running additional services to get you to/from the Kylie Minogue concert at the MCG this afternoon. You might even want to stick around for some ball game that's happening too.

#MetroTrains

[Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains]

An important message from Fake Metro Trains: Know the signs of a stroke.

#MetroTrains

[Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains]

Throwback Thursday!

This Weston Langford pic shows Upfield Station as it appeared in 1959.

At the time the surrounding area was a desolate wasteland.

Today, it's much the same, just with more kebab shops.

#MetroTrains #ThrowbackThursday

[Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains]

Creating the most epic wedding photo in the history of forever.

#MetroTrains

[Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains]

Metro 5.30pm Update:

All lines running well with no delays or cancellations.

If someone on a train could have a massive heart attack or something right now and cause a delay we’d really appreciate it.

#MetroTrains

[Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains]

Throwback Thursday!

This c1980 GEHS pic shows the gatekeeper's hut near Glenhuntly.

At a time where level crossing gates were manually operated, these huts provided not only shelter for gatekeepers, but a place for a cheeky wank between trains.

#MetroTrains #ThrowbackThursday

[Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains]

Looks like Bruce Whalley has been milkshake ducked.

Fuck you, Bruce.

#MetroTrains

[Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains]

Good morning Melbourne!

Extensive delays and cancellations may be experienced across the network as we upgrade our fleet to trainOS 27.

Your patience is appreciated.

#MetroTrains

[Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains]

Good morning Melbourne!

It’s a new week and you can all go fuck yourselves in the mouth. Thanks.

#MetroTrains

[Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains]

Throwback Thursday!

This Sept 1984 pic (photog unkwn) shows an ex-Port Melbourne Hitachi set crossing Sandridge Bridge.

Today, this line is serviced by trams. Which are stinky, extremely slow and generally great at sucking arse. Fuck trams.

#MetroTrains #ThrowbackThursday

[Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains]

We’re pleased to announce the new Myki Duo - a compact Myki that folds out in two.

Available in black or white and starting at $3,499, it does everything the current Myki does but screams “I bought this because I’m a massive wanker!”

#MetroTrains

[Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains]

From caleb_transport on IG.

#MetroTrains

[Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains]

Going serious here.

This is a completely fucking bullshit cunt response from Metro Trains.

Multiple safety protocols failed.

Don't fucking lowkey victim-blame, deflect responsibility and say you'll "conduct a review". Fucking hell.

#MetroTrains

https://t.co/26OiDAa8I9

[Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains]

Throwback Thursday!

This Aug 1983 NSW Archives pic shows the launch of the inaugural Sydney-Canberra XPT service.

Yep, we're going with this: someone got so excited they ejaculated over the front of the train.

#MetroTrains #ThrowbackThursday

[Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains]

The Victorian Liberal Party have today stated they will build 25 hybrid trains to service western lines if elected in November.

We can only assume they mean something like this.

#MetroTrains

[Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains]

Good morning Melbourne!

Due to industrial action buses will replace trains Dandenong-Cranbourne and Watergardens-Sunbury until further notice.

We see this as bonus outdoor time! Fresh air, traffic views and a chance to really sit with your thoughts.

#MetroTrains

[Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains]

Let's hope WorkSafe don't figure out some of our Comeng sets are close to 45 years old.

https://t.co/oYdJPpmA1d

#MetroTrains

[Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains]

Throwback Thursday!

This April 1976 Peter Vincent pic shows a Harris set departing Flinders Street.

See how nice the area was before someone built a shitty concrete square over the top of it?

#MetroTrains #ThrowbackThursday