Harry Stabbings

Royal Director Ministry of Speech and Satire. Protecting Britain and her people from memelords, dangerous jokes, and unauthorised free speech.

[Harry Stabbings @harrystabbings]

NEW: Government confirms Duolingo will be included in the under-16s social media ban.

“No child in Britain needs to know what the French are saying” a department spokesperson said.

[Harry Stabbings @harrystabbings]

@PolitlcsUK The social media ban is bigger than any Prime Minister; it is the single most important piece of legislation in the history of Britain.

Save Britain's children from brain rot 🇬🇧

[Harry Stabbings @harrystabbings]

England’s next game in Mexico just got a lot harder.

[Polymarket Sports @PolymarketSport]

🚨JUST IN: England players will be allowed to use Viagra to help deal with Mexico’s altitude, with Estadio Azteca being 7,350 feet above sea level

Viagra can reduce fatigue related to physical exertion at high altitude

[Harry Stabbings @harrystabbings]

Today I am celebrating my 10,000th arrest.

The Ministry held a small ceremony this morning. Conference Room B. Tea and biscuits.

The Director of Enforcement presented me with a commemorative plaque.

Engraved brass. My name. The number 10,000. The Ministry seal.

It will hang in my office between my framed Online Safety Act and the photo of me shaking hands with the Prime Minister.

Three colleagues have reached this milestone before me. Stevens got there in 11 months. I did it in 9.

The Director gave a short speech. He called my work exemplary. Essential to the safety of the realm.

He reminded everyone that arrests are not punishments. They are interventions. Corrections. Acts of civic protection.

I thanked him.

I thanked my team.

I thanked the British public for continuing to provide such abundant opportunities for enforcement.

Then we had cake.

Victoria sponge. Two layers. Proper British cake for a proper British achievement.

Next target: 50,000 by Christmas.

Britain will not regulate itself.

[Harry Stabbings @harrystabbings]

NEW: Digital ID will be required to order pizza

[Domino's Pizza UK @Dominos_UK]

BREAKING NEWS

[Harry Stabbings @harrystabbings]

NEW: Government confirms Digital ID will be required to play GTA 6.

“The game forces children to drive on the wrong side of the road, which may confuse young British motorist” a department spokesperson said.

[Harry Stabbings @harrystabbings]

The Ministry welcomes PlayStation's decision to end physical disc production.

Physical discs bypass critical safety infrastructure.

No Digital ID verification. No age gates. No content monitoring.

Digital-only gaming ensures every purchase, every download, every play session is verified and logged.

We know who's playing what. When. For how long.

Existing disc owners will receive instructions in the coming weeks about proper disposal methods.

Burning discs releases toxic fumes (not recommended).

Mail them to your local Ministry office. Postage paid.

This is a great decision from a great company.

Britain will be safer for it.

[Harry Stabbings @harrystabbings]

My nephew came to visit yesterday.

He's 14.

I noticed his phone screen light up during lunch.

Discord notification.

Purple icon. Unmistakable.

"Why do you have Discord installed?" I asked.

"Oh it's for school projects, we coordinate homework in a server"

School projects.

Homework.

Discord is a Grade 1 banned application.

No exceptions for educational purposes.

I asked to see his server list.

Four servers.

One called Homework Help.

Another called Shitpost Memes.

I took photos of the screen as evidence.

He tried to explain they were just funny pictures.

Funny pictures are unregulated content.

Ministry officers arrived within the hour.

His mother (my sister) called me a snitch.

I called her son a criminal.

Guess I won't be invited for Christmas lunch this year.

Britain is safer for it.

[Harry Stabbings @harrystabbings]

Reports of an extreme heatwave in Britain and other parts of Europe over the last week were false.

Air conditioning manufacturers have initiated a coordinated disinformation campaign to penetrate our market.

They want you dependent.

They want you afraid of warmth.

They want British homes retrofitted with foreign climate control systems that undermine centuries of natural resilience.

Our ancestors survived without air conditioning.

They opened windows.

They drank tea.

They wore lighter fabrics.

They adapted.

Air conditioning is literally the largest contributor to global warming.

It transfers the "heat" from your home back into the atmosphere.

Yesterday our officers identified a household in Manchester attempting to install an imported cooling unit.

The homeowner claimed it was a medical necessity.

Medical necessity.

Have you tried opening a window you muppet.

Device confiscated and the home restored to it's natural temperature regulation.

Britain will stay cool without foreign corporate interference.

[Harry Stabbings @harrystabbings]

Effective immediately, placing curses on Harry Kane or members of the England football team is punishable under UK law.

Curses are classed as a Grade 2 offence under the Online Safety Act.

Applying the dark arts to sabotage British athletes is not banter.

Report suspected cursing activity immediately.

England will advance.

[Harry Stabbings @harrystabbings]

NEW: Government confirms Digital ID will be required to play GTA 6.

“The game forces children to drive on the wrong side of the road, which may confuse young British motorist” a department spokesperson said.

[Harry Stabbings @harrystabbings]

@disclosetv Britain leads and the rest of the world follows 🇬🇧

[Harry Stabbings @harrystabbings]

Our team has been working overtime since PM Starmer's resignation last week.

We've flagged over 57,800 memes across various platforms.

Officers have gone 48 hours without sleep.

Three have collapsed at their desks.

One cried reviewing a particularly disrespectful image of the former Prime Minister.

But we will not stop.

Every meme. Every edit. Every comment.

Catalogued. Removed. Reported.

The Ministry does not rest during a transition of power.

Britain is safer for it.

[Harry Stabbings @harrystabbings]

For the food mate 🇬🇧

[NoLimit @NoLimitGains]

Honest question: why is anyone still choosing to live in the UK?

[Harry Stabbings @harrystabbings]

@coinbureau Absolutely valid - the misinformation around air conditioning is overwhelming.

Air conditioning literally transfers the heat from your home back into the atmosphere so it's directly contributing to global warming.

Britain leading the world again with Net Zero.

[Harry Stabbings @harrystabbings]

@BBCNews Incredible 👏

[Harry Stabbings @harrystabbings]

We’ve detected a coordinated psyop by Big HVAC to exploit Britain’s recent mild temperature event.

Global warming is caused by A/C units transferring heat from your home back into the atmosphere.

Air conditioning is poison.

Net Zero is the only way.

[NewsWire @NewsWire_US]

Britons ordered to remove air conditioning from homes in 40C heat under Net Zero crackdown — GB News

[Harry Stabbings @harrystabbings]

@GBPolitcs His Majesty setting the absolute standard

[Harry Stabbings @harrystabbings]

White smoke over Derbyshire signalling another meme syndicate arrested.

[Harry Stabbings @harrystabbings]

@PolitlcsUK That's our King.

Always leading by example.

[Harry Stabbings @harrystabbings]

@compliantvc We're also good here in the UK.

Just open a window.