heather

midnight snack connoisseur • opinions do not reflect those of my employer, rather those of my tall and also hot boyfriend

[heather @heatherjuliaa]

never forget that one time I lied about penn station being on my walk home and agreed to walk 26 blocks out of my way with a coworker I thought was hot and then three blocks in he mentioned his girlfriend and I had to walk the remaining 23 blocks in pure agony

[heather @heatherjuliaa]

@UMuskBeMistaken @pblest I audibly laughed when I read your timeline and username. hope that boot tastes good buddy

[heather @heatherjuliaa]

if it comes with a 50% tip, as your server I’m looking the other way

[branden @riffexxx]

is making a 9/11 joke bad if it’s a good tip? (I like rounding)

[heather @heatherjuliaa]

taylor swift is happy for the first time in her life and everyone is calling this album trash, girl I want you to go from depressed to functioning and tell me your music taste doesn’t drastically decrease in quality lmao

she’s doing her best as a happy girlie!!!!

[heather @heatherjuliaa]

everyone’s always like “when are you getting a real job” but I made half my rent slinging aperol spritzes and pasta today so take this as your sign to waitress

[heather @heatherjuliaa]

my favorite thing about my boyfriend is that whenever I fall asleep while we’re watching tv, he waits to wake me up until he’s cleaned up everything 🥹🥹🥹

[heather @heatherjuliaa]

being a woman is a prison why am I staring into my espresso martini wondering if I was skinnier this time last year

[heather @heatherjuliaa]

“you at 17 no cheating” i’d rather break both my own legs

[heather @heatherjuliaa]

@elonmusk quick reminder that you’re a fucking loser and your dad hates you

[heather @heatherjuliaa]

i fear i really can’t take any chances, hello cowboy patrick

[heather @heatherjuliaa]

truly no greater feeling than being en route the function and getting “where are you??” texts from those already at the function

[heather @heatherjuliaa]

going to tell my kids about walking home from the bar at 5am listening to this song

[heather @heatherjuliaa]

he should have been arrested for having a side profile that stunning

[👑 @idollkod]

Luigi Mangione’s court hearing news to keep you updated

a thread 🧵:

[heather @heatherjuliaa]

so close to crashing out but the holidays…spotify wrapped…no time

[heather @heatherjuliaa]

just took 3 edibles before my flight so im either going to pass out or absolutely obliterate my notes app

[Organizermemes @OrganizerMemes]

Seen on CNN, a voter in NC saying his girlfriend threatened to break up with him if he didn't vote for Harris

[heather @heatherjuliaa]

pretty much my stance

[heather @heatherjuliaa]

my entire search history this game has been “bets to place World Series” and “(insert player name here) girlfriend?”

[heather @heatherjuliaa]

honestly didn’t think Schmidt was hot before this game but now??? yes

[heather @heatherjuliaa]

on one hand freeman is an old baddie but also i hateeeee him

[heather @heatherjuliaa]

currently tipsy in a sports bar watching the yankees so i decided i’m gonna be an annoying sports girl on twitter and just send a bunch of sports tweets