Maggiemurtha

[Keith @nagy_minaj]

our father, who art in heaven, shamrock be thy shake

[The New York Times @nytimes]

Mr. Pickles, a critically endangered species of tortoise at the Houston Zoo, finally became a father at the age of 90. He and his partner, Mrs. Pickles, welcomed three tortoise hatchlings: Dill, Gherkin and Jalapeño.
https://t.co/KfYXf7L5E0

[Maitreyi Ramakrishnan @ramakrishnannn]

people who can read in a moving car without getting sick are just on another level and I wish I were them

[maya 🪩 @allmychampagne]

If I’m at the eras tour and hear the words “friends break up friends get married” through the speakers….. I will be seen on a national news network the following evening

[Maggiemurtha @maggiemurtha]

@hailsmccloskey instant jail.

[smooth recess @AlexiconTom]

40 consecutive days eating an entire rotisserie chicken #chicken

[WeRateDogs @dog_rates]

This is Leo. He wants you to know the dog door started it. 14/10 he's been framed

[Chelsea 🐉 @Chelsnii]

i apologized to the TSA agent for the abundance of pancake mix in my luggage and he said, “Never apologize for being who you are”

[cass biehn | VESUVIUS out now 🌋 @cassbeewrites]

Idea to replace Twitter: we all get added to the same Google Doc and see what happens

[Shannon McDonagh @shananigans022]

⁦@Uber⁩ turn off surges in sunset park. People are scared, let them get out safely

[𝖏𝖆𝖍 ツ @fullautojayy]

that lag the iPhone gets when it’s on 1% be by far the most dramatic moment of my day

[Lolathon @VRLolathon]

I had to do it...

[Mike Ryan @mikeryan]

Next Oscars they should let the fans vote on who gets punched

[$𝔩𝔞𝔭☃️ @slvppy]

when the scholastic book fair open? i ain’t have the bread for it back then but i can go crazy now

[Andrew Nadeau @TheAndrewNadeau]

I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.