Matt Cartwright

Father first, musician second. Somewhere down this list: runner

Mastodon: @[email protected]

[Bottom Official @official_bottom]

The most talented UK comic of his generation, give it a retweet if you agree ❤️🙏🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻

[Matt Cartwright @MattPCart]

@cleveleysnews But the fag packets don't look any different...

[Matt Cartwright @MattPCart]

@cleveleysnews The Nirvana and Oasis ones must be worth a bit as they would have come out when cassettes were dying and replaced by CDs. 🤔
Oh wait, no. They're worth: nothing.

[Matt Cartwright @MattPCart]

@cleveleysnews Well, that Wild Boar place up near the Lakes sell sausages. Imagine my surprise when they were wild-boar sausages...

Someone should label these things more clearly. Finish stroking and frollicking with boars, then scoff one.

(Sorry, reads like a Viz letter)

[Matt Cartwright @MattPCart]

@Halcruttenden *In strong east-end mockney accent
Come on then, you f*ckin' SLAGS!

[Matt Cartwright @MattPCart]

@FootbaIITwats Reminds me of Julio Geordio (of Fast Show fame):
And the third one's come off me arse like...

[Matt Cartwright @MattPCart]

@Aiannucci You know it's superb when my new uni friends in 1994 genuinely thought it was a new chat show and not the best spoof-of-a-genre for ages.

Hunting around the dorms for an aerial signal so I could record it on my VCR.

Happier times 🤣

[Matt Cartwright @MattPCart]

@SoVeryBritish cba reading all the other posts but "if you wouldn't mind" is a silent killer.

[Matt Cartwright @MattPCart]

@SoVeryBritish Spokespeople for a generation, #HMHB, mention this in their song "Breaking News":
-A man who informs people that he gets up at 6am every morning and seemed to want a medal

https://t.co/zmTdHIkYph

#HalfManHalfBiscuit

[Matt Cartwright @MattPCart]

@Herring1967 *blush
Getting called a "wassock" by Richard Herring could be the pinnacle of my dreary life. 🥲

[Matt Cartwright @MattPCart]

@JasonManford So THAT's where all your kids came* from

*pun intended, btw 😉

[Matt Cartwright @MattPCart]

@Herring1967 Hmm, is that the Cheddar spelling? I've always spelled it "wazzock".

Apols for the swears, btw.

[Matt Cartwright @MattPCart]

@da_masse @SoVeryBritish followed by the photo equivalent of "harrumph"

See also: r/compoface on Reddit 😂

[Matt Cartwright @MattPCart]

@SoVeryBritish The Sun went with:
People in the UK are shocked at the march of time. Brexit to blame? Or refugees?
Our Man in the Street says: both!

#satire Don't @ me

[Matt Cartwright @MattPCart]

@mralistairgreen Probably cos comedy is meant to punch up. You were clearly punching down! 😂

[Matt Cartwright @MattPCart]

@cleveleysnews I looked up "incredible". It doesn't mean what you seem to think it means.

I think you mean "mundane" or "sufficient"

[Matt Cartwright @MattPCart]

@RealMattLucas That you can still buy these in Iceland baffles me...

[Matt Cartwright @MattPCart]

@TimmyTwoShirts Long live The People's Poet

[Matt Cartwright @MattPCart]

@omid9 ...which will move the problem into "pre-drinks" and we'll have people turning up two drinks under their "I am legless" limits and then getting two drinks at the airport... 🤦‍♂️

[Matt Cartwright @MattPCart]

@gear4music Well, yes. But also: no. I tried searching for Tama Rockstar items so I can sell my 90s thrash kit: no dice. 😢