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Also on BS and IG. Featured in @readersdigest and @thefunnytweeter. Only my tweets in link below. Copyright 2020.

[(This part is superfluous) @MommyWhoPosts]

Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-

Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!

[(This part is superfluous) @MommyWhoPosts]

Very funny guys who put this coffee on the ceiling?

[(This part is superfluous) @MommyWhoPosts]

Oh but when it’s somebody else’s panic attack suddenly I’m Matthew Mcconaughey

[(This part is superfluous) @MommyWhoPosts]

My husband bringing me coffee in bed:

“PSL for your DSL, m’lady…”

[(This part is superfluous) @MommyWhoPosts]

You ever so middle aged that you forget to shower in the shower?

[(This part is superfluous) @MommyWhoPosts]

Thing about me is, if you f wit me, ima CC all pertinent parties to this reply until you get right

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Me: Oh my angel, I loved having you in my belly…

5: *dead eyes* That was a long time ago.

[Jennifer Parker @Mrs_JParker]

6yo: Mom, can you stop sleeping? You look like you’re dead.

[meghan @deloisivete]

Who decided the gas pump tv should turn on right when you start fueling, that seems like a terrible time to startle someone

[The Real Rodney Lacroix @RealRodLacroix]

Trying to buy my mom a souvenir in Greece and she is being difficult.

[Bob Golen @BobGolen]

Scientists theorize that the sub-atomic particles in our bodies are as old as the universe. I think my knee particles are older.

[meghan @deloisivete]

Husband: you should get out more

Me: *goes shopping*

Husband: not like that

[(This part is superfluous) @MommyWhoPosts]

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing me I could just “go take five minutes - I’ll watch the kids.”

My husband. The devil is my husband.

[meeka @MeekyBlinders]

aspartame will not give me cancer because diet coke can sense I'm pure of heart

[(This part is superfluous) @MommyWhoPosts]

Polar vortex? Arctic blast? Someone at the NWS was formerly in beverage marketing.

[(This part is superfluous) @MommyWhoPosts]

If you have one good toilet in the house make it the one in the half-bath

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italian lesson: goon is short for gabagoon

[(This part is superfluous) @MommyWhoPosts]

@RodLacroix Rod you don’t understand.

You think you got what it takes to be the official Hotdogger? That’s the actual title. Qualifications include a love of hot dog puns. And competition is fierce, with less than 1% of applicants selected on average.

Good luck to you on your noble quest.