Nick Swardson

TOILET HEAD FEB 12th

[Nick Swardson @NickSwardson]

Saw someone with "my warm up is your work out" shirt. Well, my casual drinking is your alcohol poisoning so fuck you.

[Nick Swardson @NickSwardson]

WORCESTER, MASS
All weekend Fri - Sun.
- Grandma’s Boy 20th anniversary pics and autographs with JP and Alex.
https://t.co/RH5ATGE9rO

[Nick Swardson @NickSwardson]

If this season is going to be a roller coaster game like this every week I’ll need a full sponsorship from Dude Wipes. Do they make blankets? SKOL VIKES!!

[Nick Swardson @NickSwardson]

Terry Funco 😂
Next Con is Salt Lake City
Sept 24-26 @fanxsaltlake

[Nick Swardson @NickSwardson]

ORLANDO - This Sat and Sun!
(Not Friday. I’m filming The Odyssey 2)
FAN BOY EXPO

https://t.co/dmiHwNmtpC

[Nick Swardson @NickSwardson]

Silo is the best show on TV right now. Rebecca Ferguson is incredible. I thought it was about Shilo the waiter from Grandmas Boy. He was played wonderfully by that sweet old lady @DavidSpade

[Nick Swardson @NickSwardson]

If you were a cat would you be an indoor cat or outdoor cat? I’d be outdoor but @DavidSpade would for sure be indoor and sleep in his own dirty litter box.

[Nick Swardson @NickSwardson]

Minnesota is having deep fried Taco Bell lettuce at the State Fair. It’s at the @PowerTripKFAN booth. Meat Sauce serves it in a leather swing.

[Nick Swardson @NickSwardson]

It’s weird how many times I talk about athletes from my childhood. I reference Bo Jackson way too much. What athlete do you talk about to the point where someone should slap you?

[Nick Swardson @NickSwardson]

Saw ‘The Odyssey’. Incredible film making. Glad they cut @DavidSpade out. His part as Vaginus Labian Queefus, the lord of butt breezes, slowed the movie down. #TheOdyssey

[Nick Swardson @NickSwardson]

Breeze airline isn’t awful. It smelled like a colostomy bag farted but it was direct from Louisville to LA. Better than Spirit and Frontier for sure. Febreeze could step in though.

[Nick Swardson @NickSwardson]

I’m flying Breeze airline for the first time. Curious how this is. I’ve spent so many years flying Sea Breeze.🍹

[Nick Swardson @NickSwardson]

The Minnesota Vikings accept Haaland. He is ours. He doesn’t look like anyone from Green Bay. We just won a Super Bowl now.

[Nick Swardson @NickSwardson]

Filming all year and got my appendix taken out BUT that’s not stopping me from stand up. OHIO!
OCT 13-15 Cincinnati Funnybone
OCT 27-29 Cleveland Hilarities
Working out new material. And signing my appendix.

[Nick Swardson @NickSwardson]

Whenever I feel uncomfortable and frustrated I remember that at least I’ll never be Shaq trying to take an emergency shit on a domestic flight bathroom. #Delta #United #Shaq #Poop

[Nick Swardson @NickSwardson]

Me and my old friend @bertkreischer talk into microphones

https://t.co/yILlzaXycp

[Nick Swardson @NickSwardson]

Rams picked up Myles Garrett BUT in a bold move the Minnesota Vikings picked up Mrs. Garrett from Facts of Life and are now looking at Tootie. @MeatSauce1

[Nick Swardson @NickSwardson]

Respect and love to our service men and women. I’ve donated to this for a long time. Very important. https://t.co/6C7IIjzsNr

[Nick Swardson @NickSwardson]

Pick your ideal director for ‘He-Man: Masters Of The Universe’. I want to see Michael Mann’s take with 1980 Don Johnson as He-Man. Skeletor would be David Spade (no make up).

[Nick Swardson @NickSwardson]

On the east coast for the summer. Still can’t get used to sports time zone change. I’m not saying I’m getting old but when a game goes into over time or extra innings, I will not be seeing the end of that game. 😂

[Nick Swardson @NickSwardson]

As a lifelong MN sports fan… can you die from optimism?