One Awkward Mom

mom of three || perpetually late || relatively unsociable

[One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom]

Sorry I can’t make it, it’s dark by 6pm and I have an astigmatism and also I don’t want to.

[One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom]

I had a dream last night that I couldn’t remember my locker combination. I’m 35 years old.

[One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom]

My grandpa fought in a world war. My mom walked to school in the snow, uphill both ways. I wrote college papers without Al.

Generational struggles.

[One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom]

My personality is 40% iced coffee, 30% ‘please stop touching me,’ 20% guilt, and 10% whatever Bluey episode is currently on.

[One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom]

The loudest, most annoying noise in public isn't a child. It's an adult complaining about children existing in public.

[One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom]

My 2yo just dumped every shape out of the bucket, sighed ‘whew, what a long day at work,’ sorted them all back into the correct holes then picked up the bucket and walked off. So my question is where do I apply for this job?

[One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom]

I could really go for a slice of pie and a cup of coffee in a small town with an inexplicably unsolved mystery right about now.

[One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom]

I'm beginning to think it's not the hormones. Everything really is just fucking irritating.

[One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom]

Just paid the electric bill and honestly they could at least take me out to dinner first

[One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom]

Reposted a tweet calling out how ridiculous it is for a male doctor to claim postpartum recovery only lasts 4 weeks. Naturally the men in the comments are screaming ‘sexism’ because he's a man, instead of admitting his statement has the integrity of wet cardboard.

[One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom]

We can communicate with people traveling through space but I can’t send a text from inside this Walmart.

[One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom]

Parenting is cool because you wake up feeling like a dead rat that was run over by a garbage truck then resurrected and still have to enthusiastically order and eat pretend pizza.

[One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom]

What that mouth do?!

Me: *whips out nose frida*

[One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom]

Every time Abuela starts singing, my daughter flips the Encanto Tonie off the player. And I'm just saying, I get it.

[One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom]

And for the lady perhaps a warm cider donut, cozy blanket, and a new book on a crisp 55 degree day?

[One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom]

Please don’t ask how I’m doing, we can’t make eye contact with it.

[One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom]

*lets dog out*

Me: waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting…..

Me: *finally sits down*

My dog: you’re not gonna believe this

[One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom]

My 6yo niece asked if I'd heard of ‘enemy pie.’

My brain: immediately goes to The Help 💩🥧

Me: what do you think it is?

Her: if you give pie to your enemy, then they have to be your friend because you gave them pie!

I respect the optimism. I also respect the other version.

[One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom]

Tell me why driving with a crying baby in the back seat feels like being chased by a bear.

[One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom]

Can we talk about perimenopause and the fact that the inside of my ear has been itching for a WEEK.

[One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom]

My toddler fell asleep stroking my face and my heart completely melted, until I left the room and realized she'd been gently petting a chin hair the whole time.