Bill

You’re laughing. I’m about to back over myself and you’re laughing

[Bill @OnlyJustABill]

Easy. When I back into a space, I don’t have to worry about other cars in my blind spots or crossing behind me. I just have to center my car into a defined space with fixed boundaries. No surprises.

[Prieur du Plessis @prieurdp]

Why do people reverse into parking spaces?

At first it was one or two misdirected fools, now it's spreading like a disease.

It makes no sense. You are only making it so much harder for yourself, and everyone hates you as you block the road trying to get into the space.

[Emo Philips @EmoPhilips]

The "Emo Philips: Guaranteed No Cannibalism" Tour is all set to savor its Wisconsin leg: Appleton, June 11-13; Kenosha, June 19-20; Janesville, June 21. Partake: https://t.co/uzJy79Rq4e

[Bill @OnlyJustABill]

The young ones haven’t gotten the hat yet

[🌱 stick 🌱 @briggityboppity]

Juvenile cardinals are so good at making me think I saw a bird that wasn't a cardinal

[Bill @OnlyJustABill]

News In Briefs

[Bill @OnlyJustABill]

Sometimes I type “well shit” and it corrects to “we’ll shit” which is a whole nother vibe entirely and not really something that I’ve found an occasion for

[Man of Letters @manofletterz]

I was gonna tweet something folksy and then I thought fuck that

[katie @katefeetie]

you’re not a real procrastinator unless you’re also putting off stuff you LIKE doing

[tanya @Tanya_Sabrinaaa]

talk to your doctor about wegozil. shout at your doctor about blarpo. whisper with your doctor about cixyl. show your doctor the sign (👌🤦‍♀️👏) for flonartil. laugh with your doctor about wexadry. email your doctor about drongle. glance meaningfully at your doctor about floova

[Bill @OnlyJustABill]

Ohate

[charles entertainment cheese @jmurffff]

my flight arrived at the gate one hour ago and i am still waiting for my checked bag 🤠🤠 i hate ohare and @AmericanAir

[Bill @OnlyJustABill]

Crease and desist

[meghan @deloisivete]

Sending a cease and desist letter to the laundry

[Bill @OnlyJustABill]

27% of the country is nodding and saying “Yeah, that makes sense”

[Aaron Rupar @atrupar]

Hassett: "People are spending more on gas, but they're also spending more on everything else -- not just groceries, but restaurants and so on. I think that's a sign you see when people are optimistic about the future."

[Cannie Oakley: Local Cryptid @Staceballs]

Upstairs neighbors are fighting…

[Bill @OnlyJustABill]

Rat bastards have aerated the pub cheese

[Bill @OnlyJustABill]

burn

[🔪Stabby Jo🔪 @okayestpoet]

15: hush old woman
Me: tough talk for someone who still needs a night light
15: ohh you're a comedian now
Me: I became a comedian 15 years ago when I made my best joke...👀

[Joseph Fasano @Joseph_Fasano_]

If you're a teacher, you'll know why I'm forever keeping the shortest teacher eval a student ever gave me.

[Bill @OnlyJustABill]

Ok 1/1.75=0.571 what the hell

[Cooper Lawrence @CooperLawrence]

Today I’m baking synonym rolls just like grammar used to make

[Bill @OnlyJustABill]

I have raised nonsense to an art form

[Maddy 👗👟👒🍃☂️ @MadHatterMommy]

Some of the things that they call art is just nonsense.

[Bill @OnlyJustABill]

Ich du not find zis pfunnig

Actually it’s getting funnier

[swamp hag ✨☕️🌸🍓🍰 @potatoslav]

incredible how many Germans are replying to say this isn’t funny to them. it’s almost like that’s what i said.

[Scoob @Scoobydouchebag]

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And hamburger to help before I sleep,
And hamburger to help before I sleep.