Self Censored Tortoise

Scribbling on the margins

[Self Censored Tortoise @SCTortoise]

Y do u sharpen the cleaver, Mr. Chef?

It's for u Mr. Crab. Ur on the menu tonite

U CAN'T serve me

Y not?

I've #deipnophobia - the fear of dining

Impossible. U'll be dead before they eat

But

U've phagophobia. Fear of being eaten

That's it

But so do we all

*CHOP* #vss365

[Self Censored Tortoise @SCTortoise]

There was a lad from Albuquerque
Went by the name of Jeff

Books on the interweb he wanted to peddle
But naysayers did abound

#Colporteurs can't make ends meet, they said
Book readers r a dying breed

Elders rued
Youngsters laughed

Now this certain Jeff rules the world #vss365

[Self Censored Tortoise @SCTortoise]

The wife's #macrosmatic
Knows I've smoked, even if twas hours ago
Out with pals one nite, I decided to mess with her
Didn't take a puff, but sat next to chain-smoking Joe
Expected an outburst back home
But no
'Stead she calls up Joe
& sez to stop spreadin secondhand smoke #vss365

[Self Censored Tortoise @SCTortoise]

@Steph_Lepht 😂

[Self Censored Tortoise @SCTortoise]

Stock crash left u hobo broke?
Can't afford the Club lunch?
Can't do without it either?
Solution's simple
Join a pal as he eats
Make small talk
While #grokin the hell out
Pal get queasy
Pal leave mid-way
Doggy bag leftovers
Repeat thrice
And lo
U have urself a 3 courser #vss365

[Kelvin Rodrigues @KelvinROfficial]

"Don't #groke, Haskins."

"I'm not sir. What's that you're eating anyway."

"Green vegetables."

"What happened to Mrs Wibble's omelettes?"

"I wanted to try this instead."

"But why, sir?"

"I fancied a change."

"Again, why?"

"I didn't expect the spinach inquisition."

#vss365

[Self Censored Tortoise @SCTortoise]

@KelvinROfficial

[Eric Lahti @ericlahti1]

My mom always taught me it was proper behavior to at least show up and make small talk for a while so people didn't feel dissed. So, even thought it's my funeral, I feel it would be gauche to not make an appearance.
And hopefully scare the shit out of those bastards.
#better2sday

[Self Censored Tortoise @SCTortoise]

Safe to get back home?

Not yet, Sir. Why's Madam angry?

Caught me kissin the barmaid

Explains Madam's #defenestration of ur items - starting with ur gold clubs right up to ur photos

That's serious. I'll spend the nite out

Where Sir?

At the barmaid's, of course #vss365

[Self Censored Tortoise @SCTortoise]

@KelvinROfficial 😂

[Self Censored Tortoise @SCTortoise]

@mapdevil 🤣

[Self Censored Tortoise @SCTortoise]

@MariaAPerez1 Ha Ha. Thanks. Happy I could be of help😊

[Self Censored Tortoise @SCTortoise]

I got #alexithymia, Doc?

Unfortunately, yes

So I'd say anythin to anybody, and not be sued cos I've a condition?

uh

U half-witted, over-priced gorilla

Hey!

U impotent pile of horse manure

The conditions's curable

Na thanks. Did u know ur babe's bangin the gardener?#vss365

[Self Censored Tortoise @SCTortoise]

@MariaAPerez1 😊😊

[Self Censored Tortoise @SCTortoise]

Y'd u hit him?

HE CALLED ME #WABBIT

Wabbit means Tired in Scottish. He has Scot roots u know

Oh Lemme apologize

BAM

Hit him again?

CALLED ME BRAT

Brat means Brother in Russian. He has Russian roots too

Y DON'T HE SPEAK ENGLISH

Won't be speakin anythin for a while #vss635

[Self Censored Tortoise @SCTortoise]

@Fizzytwizler "Have me Indiana Jones-ing Through ancient dictionaries"

Loved that 😂

[Self Censored Tortoise @SCTortoise]

@esthervdheuvel1 @DavidNWriter congratulations 😊 😊

[Self Censored Tortoise @SCTortoise]

@starfish_72 😊😬

[Self Censored Tortoise @SCTortoise]

Why are you stretching and squirming so?

I..uh

WILL YOU STOP #PANDICULATING!

Can't...help..it. There's something under my vest...Ah! There. It's out. Ooh a cockroach. Oops. It flew into your skirt

EEEEEEEKKKKKK!!!!

If I was #pandiculating she's doin the ballet #vss365

[Self Censored Tortoise @SCTortoise]

@Write2Fite 😬😆