Sammy Petersen

Old account was hacked | I host a podcast called ‘Confessions’ and co-host ‘Your Two Drunk Aunties’.

[Sammy Petersen @sammypetersen91]

People who say “I’m not a morning person” like it’s a personality trait.
Baby doll, no one’s a morning person. Some of us are just better at pretending for money.

[Sammy Petersen @sammypetersen91]

Sunday night feels like the moment at a party when you spot your Uber pulling up and suddenly remember every bad decision you’ve ever made.

[Sammy Petersen @sammypetersen91]

The volume jump between TV dialogue and ads feels like a personal attack.

[Sammy Petersen @sammypetersen91]

My favourite celebrity doctor of all time? Easy. Dr. Seuss

[Sammy Petersen @sammypetersen91]

Today has big “I didn’t do anything wrong but I still feel like I should apologise” energy.

[Sammy Petersen @sammypetersen91]

Being an adult is just basically Googling things like “is it normal to feel pain after sitting.”

[Sammy Petersen @sammypetersen91]

My comedy special is out now if you’d like to watch or share it or whatever makes you happy.

https://t.co/W2tSSwWWtl

[Sammy Petersen @sammypetersen91]

It’s so hot in Melbourne today it’s the only time I l’ve ever wanted someone to actually say “four seasons in one day.”

[Sammy Petersen @sammypetersen91]

Nothing humbles you faster than opening the front camera by accident.

[Sammy Petersen @sammypetersen91]

Everyone has a “ride or die” until the ride involves helping you move or the die involves being slightly inconvenienced.

[Sammy Petersen @sammypetersen91]

It’s so hot that my phone just autocorrected “going outside” to “absolutely not.”

[Sammy Petersen @sammypetersen91]

I love going to Madame Tussaud’s because it’s the rare opportunity to meet celebrities who are finally as uncomfortable as I am in photos.

[Sammy Petersen @sammypetersen91]

I don’t run late. Time just misunderstands my vibe.

[Sammy Petersen @sammypetersen91]

My personality is just things I’ve overheard other people say confidently.

[Sammy Petersen @sammypetersen91]

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, at least take my Apple Watch with you to get the steps up.

[Sammy Petersen @sammypetersen91]

‘Only the good die young’ is a lovely thing to say and also a backhanded compliment to really old people.

[Sammy Petersen @sammypetersen91]

Every plan I make depends heavily on the version of me that no longer exists.

[Sammy Petersen @sammypetersen91]

Smells like up-I-love-you in here

[Sammy Petersen @sammypetersen91]

I say “interesting” when I mean “this has ruined my day.”

[Sammy Petersen @sammypetersen91]

I love how “running errands” is just paying money in different locations.