Justin

Author of Shit My Dad Says and, coming May 15th, my new book I Suck At Girls. My dad's in it, don't worry. This account is where I publish the shit that he says

[Justin @shitmydadsays]

Hi! You've probably forgotten you even follow this account. Maybe, like me, you haven't tweeted in seven years and forgot your login password! But, I did want to pop in and say I did write another book and if you like my others you might like this one! And if nothing else maybe this reminded you of a time when something as stupid as this account could get popular.

https://t.co/wS2LJh8RSO

[Justin @shitmydadsays]

"Oh he knew how bad this would look. If a man shits his pants on purpose he's trying to cover up something that smells a lot fucking worse."

[Justin @shitmydadsays]

"Thoughts & prayers is for when there's nothing you can do. Like the fucking space station is gonna explode. If it's on earth you can help."

[Justin @shitmydadsays]

Short piece I wrote for Father's Day about my dad, little league, and crying. http://t.co/mqzoQ5ySpy

[Justin @shitmydadsays]

"Just say 'I don't know.' I'd actually prefer that to a dumb answer." A short essay about my dad's thoughts on death: http://t.co/UuG0HJAJFZ

[Justin @shitmydadsays]

"1st amendment doesn't protect assholes from criticism. The right to act like an asshole and be called an asshole's the same fucking right."

[Justin @shitmydadsays]

"Honesty and being an asshole are 2 towns in the same state. As a dad, you got houses in both but you try to only vacation in assholeville."

[Justin @shitmydadsays]

My dad's been working on a novel for 40 years that's finally coming out. I asked him to tell people what it's about: http://t.co/n1o4CFTTxb

[Justin @shitmydadsays]

A short story about why my dad doesn't celebrate Valentine's day: http://t.co/RSn7RlvX

[Justin @shitmydadsays]

"I like babies, just saying they live inside a host body and feed off it. That's a parasite...Yes, I could raise a tape worm and love it."

[Justin @shitmydadsays]

"Anyone who thinks they know what's best for 300 million people is a titanic asshole. So we're just voting for king of the assholes."

[Justin @shitmydadsays]

"The 1st amendment doesn't say I have to listen to bullshit. Just 'cause farting's legal don't mean I gotta shove my nose in your asshole."

[Justin @shitmydadsays]

"No. You don't read news. You read stuff you agree with. Just because somebody's shit smells like yours, doesn't mean it's not still shit."

[Justin @shitmydadsays]

"No Father's day gifts. Just write me a card...Of course I'm kidding. Buy me shit, I created you." (New book out now: http://t.co/mJOlfJRZ)

[Justin @shitmydadsays]

"We ain't a sharp species. We kill each other over arguments about what happens when you die, then fail to see the fucking irony in that."

[Justin @shitmydadsays]

"Any idiot can get lucky once. Takes a special idiot to get lucky twice." New book #ISuckAtGirls out today. An excerpt: http://t.co/e7MIjXgl

[Justin @shitmydadsays]

"No. Politicians don't wanna scare you, they wanna keep you stupid. Fear is just the smell when ignorance takes a shit."

[Justin @shitmydadsays]

"No. I like talking, I just hate people. If I could find other shit to talk to, I'd be all for it." Pre-order new book http://t.co/NMNaDkNc

[Justin @shitmydadsays]

"No, you can be ugly and get laid. You just gotta be willing to screw someone uglier than you." Pre-order new book: http://t.co/NMNaDkNc

[Justin @shitmydadsays]

"You screw without rubbers, kids happen. Sorry-you don’t get to have the dog without the dog shit.” Pre-order new book: http://t.co/NMNaDkNc