Mallory Wallace

I’m an idiot and so are you.

[Mallory Wallace @super_mallory]

If you want someone to accept your love just put your love in some peanut butter or a piece of cheese and they will swallow it no problem

[Mallory Wallace @super_mallory]

My favorite thing about my anxiety is how it consistently shows up totally randomly for no reason.

[Mallory Wallace @super_mallory]

Every day I wake up tired, feeling unmotivated and bored, with no focus, and my body hurts, and I wonder *am I depressed?* No. I am just an adult. I am just “34”.

[The Waiting Room @Waiting_Room]

TONIGHT! @thebrianposehn w/ @super_mallory & Mike Perry $25 / 8pm / all ages Tickets: https://t.co/lJ4eIU46Zq RSVP: https://t.co/yzVUzw24Am

[Mallory Wallace @super_mallory]

Can we all just admit that the talking butt bit from Ace Ventura is one of the weirdest and also best of all time?

[Mallory Wallace @super_mallory]

Most don’t know it but “mimosa” is actually breakfast Spanish for “margarita”.

[Mallory Wallace @super_mallory]

Just referred to the slimy floppy plastic lid on a pudding cup as a “food condom” and have never felt more invincible.

[Jaguar Morning Show @JaguarMorning]

Hi @samsmithworld. It seems Denver voiced that they’d love it if you came on our @DenverOpenMedia TV/Internet show: The J.A.G.U.A.R. Morning Show. LIVE 9-11am tomorrow morning (Tues 8/21) & you could 100% come at 1030. Don’t worry. Free @MutinyInfoCafe coffee.

#SamSmithOnJaguar

[Mallory Wallace @super_mallory]

I don’t “forgive and forget”.

I “forgive and fry-get” and you know what? It’s a large fry cause we friends again and I’m down to split with you, homie.

[Mallory Wallace @super_mallory]

I don’t like to brag.

[Mallory Wallace @super_mallory]

They say money can’t buy happiness so I guess I’m just trying to get to a point where money buys me no longer having people make a sad face when I tell them my salary.

[Mallory Wallace @super_mallory]

Started calling my boyfriend step daddy in bed cause he gets to visit my geena on weekends and holidays.

[Mallory Wallace @super_mallory]

@zachreinert0 ZACH.

[Senator Megan Hunt @NebraskaMegan]

Thank you to Carly Ballerini, Shannon Noll, Mallory Wallace, and to Zach Peterson (his album, Midwestern Jokes of the Americas, is available for pre-order, everyone!), for an unforgettable night in an unforgettable time in my life. I’ll never forget your generosity. #RunMegRun

[Mallory Wallace @super_mallory]

I recently lost 8 lbs and when I told my boyfriend he was like “that’s great, I’m so proud of you, do you want me to pay for half?”

[Mallory Wallace @super_mallory]

@CaytonHolland I miss denver.

[Mallory Wallace @super_mallory]

@MaraWiles Good at getting blood stains out so they don’t get caught

[Mallory Wallace @super_mallory]

Do you think post office workers ever call lower back tattoos “Forever Stamps”?

[Mallory Wallace @super_mallory]

“Welcome to Nebraska, a midwestern state with the southern values of grease, god and casual racism. If you’d like more info, visit one of our million Runzas for a soggy baby food hot pocket and survival tips on living in a climate that wants to kill you in all seasons.”

[Mallory Wallace @super_mallory]

Some songs have a big influence on your life, like when I heard Shoop by Salt n Pepa for the first time in middle school and I knew I was going to be a ho.

[Mallory Wallace @super_mallory]

Airline employee: Who’s this?

Me: My emotional support boyfriend

AE: Those aren’t real, you can’t take that on the plane.