The Bloke

I'm not saying it's wrong... I just don't understand why we've all agreed this is normal.

[The Bloke @thebloke]

I think I missed a meeting.

Not a real meeting.

One of those meetings where everyone quietly agrees the new rules.

Because somewhere along the line, we all stopped buying things.

We started subscribing to them.

Now, I understand subscriptions.

The newspaper.

Sky.

The RAC.

You keep paying.

They keep providing.

That's a fair deal.

But then something changed.

Music became a subscription.

Films became a subscription.

Fair enough.

Then cloud storage.

Then software.

Then printer ink.

Then coffee.

Coffee.

I'm fairly certain there was a time when you simply bought coffee.

Now it seems the machine, the pods and the app are all having separate conversations about recurring payments.

Even cars have started joining in.

Imagine telling my dad that one day you'd buy a car...

...and then pay every month to unlock something it already had.

He'd have assumed you'd hit your head.

The strange thing is, nobody seems surprised.

Nobody walks into a shop and says,

"Hang on... haven't I just bought this?"

We all nod.

Set up another Direct Debit.

And carry on.

Maybe there's a good reason.

Perhaps subscriptions mean better products.

Better service.

Regular updates.

I can see the logic.

I just don't remember when ownership became old-fashioned.

Or when "Buy Now" quietly became "Rent Forever."

Perhaps I really did miss a meeting.

If I did...

I wish someone had sent the minutes.

[The Bloke @thebloke]

Review Fatigue

I bought a pair of socks last week.

Socks.

Nothing remarkable. They cover my feet. They haven't burst into flames. Five out of five, I suppose.

The next morning I got an email.

"How did we do?"

Well... you sold me socks.

Then came another one.

"Your opinion matters."

Does it?

Does the nation really need my thoughts on elastic ankle support?

It doesn't stop there.

Order a takeaway.

Review it.

Stay in a hotel.

Review it.

Buy a lawnmower.

Review it.

Speak to customer services.

Review the conversation about reviewing the lawnmower.

And then there was the coffee.

I recently ordered some Nespresso capsules.

A day later, Nespresso emailed asking me to review the capsules.

Fair enough, I suppose.

Then, completely separately, DPD emailed asking me to review the delivery.

The capsules.

The courier.

Two different companies.

Two different reviews.

For the same box of coffee.

At this rate, I was half expecting the cardboard packaging to get in touch asking whether I'd found it sufficiently box-like.

Somewhere along the line we've gone from buying things to becoming unpaid quality control.

And don't get me started on five-star ratings.

Apparently:

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ = Perfect.

⭐⭐⭐⭐ = Something has gone catastrophically wrong.

Three stars? You may as well have reported them to Trading Standards.

What happened to "It was alright"?

Not everything has to be life-changing.

Sometimes a coffee is just... a coffee.

Sometimes a haircut is exactly what you expected.

Sometimes the bloke who delivered your parcel did, in fact, deliver your parcel.

Mission accomplished.

I don't need to write 200 words about the emotional journey.

I'm not saying reviews are wrong.

They've saved me from some dreadful purchases over the years.

I just don't understand why every single interaction now ends with someone asking me to rate the experience.

I'm not saying it's wrong...

I just don't understand why we've all agreed this is normal.

— The Bloke

[The Bloke @thebloke]

QR Codes For Everything

I'm not against technology.

I've got a smartphone. I bank on it. I book holidays on it. I even let it tell me I've only done 4,000 steps today when I was feeling quite pleased with myself.

But can someone explain when QR codes quietly took over Britain?

Went for a pint the other day.

Sat down.

Picked up the menu.

"Scan here."

No worries.

Scanned it.

Opened a website.

Accepted cookies.

Declined marketing.

Confirmed I was over 18.

Closed two pop-ups.

Found the drinks menu.

By this point I'd forgotten what I fancied.

Whatever happened to... a menu?

Or better still, asking the bloke behind the bar what's on?

Restaurants do it too.

You spend £80 on dinner, but apparently printing four sheets of laminated A4 would bankrupt the business.

Then there's parking.

Scan this.

Download our app.

Create an account.

Verify your email.

Enter your registration.

Add a payment card.

All because you wanted to leave your car somewhere for 47 minutes.

The thing is, none of this feels like progress.

It feels like everyone has agreed that carrying out an IT induction before ordering a sandwich is perfectly reasonable.

Maybe I'm the problem.

Maybe this is the future.

I'm not saying it's wrong...

I just don't understand why we've all agreed this is normal.

[The Bloke @thebloke]

time to check in on the 'Crooked Man', the 19 year old TikTok star going viral for only working out his left trap😂

[The Bloke @thebloke]

This is like a Monty Python sketch

[Active Patriot @ActivePatriotUK]

Humberside Police are an absolute joke

[The Bloke @thebloke]

@Sargon_of_Akkad The body language says it all.

[Steven Edginton @StevenEdginton]

Britain is saved.

[Paul Embery @PaulEmbery]

Rochester cathedral this weekend. I don't know anyone outside of small groups of unrepresentative political activists who isn't growing increasingly weary of this unremitting propaganda campaign.

[The Bloke @thebloke]

@TheReturnOfLCF @premierinn Aka “in any of our hotels called Premier Inn”

[The Bloke @thebloke]

this is massively impressive.

[gript @griptmedia]

"I THINK WE'RE DONE": Today journalists in the Leinster House press pool slammed People Before Profit TDs Ruth Coppinger and Paul Murphy for refusing to take a question from Gript's @Ben_Scallan, and ended the press event early in protest:

[The Bloke @thebloke]

Jake Gillenhall discovering that Dennis Quaid played his father in Day After Tomorrow is hilarious

[The Bloke @thebloke]

@Sargon_of_Akkad @leonardaisfunny Or Indians are muslims who like a beer

[The Bloke @thebloke]

Wow, Joe Biden is still out in public doing his thing

[The Bloke @thebloke]

@ArchRose90 Pro terrorist tip : stop using 80’s tech

[The Bloke @thebloke]

@RaymondDuck6 @Dominic2306 Well you can't. But I guess unrelenting negative attention, mass bankruptcies, huge unemployment, collapsing tax rake and possibly civil unrest will all combine and, hopefully, at some point they'll need to change course

[The Bloke @thebloke]

@Mr_Trubshawe 54

[The Bloke @thebloke]

@Gainz71136355 @MarcherReborn oh a whole week. The stuff of dreams

[The Bloke @thebloke]

@DPJHodges @PaulEmbery Why are you all incessantly talking about this? I haven't had a single conversation about this in the real world but on here the punditry seem to be in overdrive on the matter.

[The Bloke @thebloke]

@lufcgilly @emsybem2020 @JuliaHB1 @DavidLammy I think our media class obsessions with his (very expensive) sports shoes whilst he boards a long haul flight is utterly bizarre. He wore smart formal shoes as he got off the plane. It's mad we even have to talk about this isn't it?