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Twisted Sitcom
@TwistedSitcom
TV-style jokes. Terrible in every sense.
Joined September 2015
10
Following
7
Followers
30
Posts
Twisted Sitcom
@TwistedSitcom
about 10 years ago
[farmers market] Female vendor: I have some really nice melons here. Grandpa: You could say that again! Family: Oh, grandpa...
Twisted Sitcom
@TwistedSitcom
about 10 years ago
Kid: Dad, is this dishwasher safe? Dad: Sure, as long as you're not in it while it's running.
Twisted Sitcom
@TwistedSitcom
over 10 years ago
Dad: Son, what did I tell you about watching porn? Son: Midgets or GTFO? Dad: That's right. Now don't make me say it again.
Twisted Sitcom
@TwistedSitcom
over 10 years ago
Bad pun sex ed teacher: Guys, use a sock when u masturbate. It could really-- Class: Don't say it T: --come in-- C: Don't u dare T: --handy!
Who to follow
national geoslavic
@orange_rhymer
terminally online, lowercase letters
Will Judd
@willjudd
Boeing rocket scientist working on the SLS🚀 for NASA at KSC. 🇩🇪⚽/NCAA🏀🏈/#CBWS🥃/🍯mead/craft🍺/👹/🌭/ #GoJackets 🐝 /📍KY➡️GA➡️FL➡️SC➡️LA➡️FL
bradjpet
@bradjpet
writer, editor, designer. recovering adjunct. have acted and screenwritten. shopping a book. have been surfing.
Twisted Sitcom
@TwistedSitcom
over 10 years ago
[Tindr] - wanna meet? - ok - how bout dinner? - sure. Do u have reservations? - I mean, ur pic isn't the best but I'll give it a shot
Twisted Sitcom
@TwistedSitcom
over 10 years ago
Husband: Any resolutions this year, honey? Wife: Yeah. Have more headaches.
Twisted Sitcom
@TwistedSitcom
over 10 years ago
Husband: 🎶 Believe it or not I'm walking on air! Never thought I could feel so freeee! 🎶 Wife: Did you have a nice poop, honey?
Twisted Sitcom
@TwistedSitcom
over 10 years ago
Mom: Now let's all name something we're thankful for. Teenage son: Incognito mode. Mom: What's that? Son, and Dad: Nothing!
Twisted Sitcom
@TwistedSitcom
over 10 years ago
[retail store] Employee 1: TGIF! Woo hoo! Employee 2: Dude, we're open tomorrow. Employee 1: FML.
Twisted Sitcom
@TwistedSitcom
over 10 years ago
Dad: When are you gonna get a job, boy? Son: I just did. Girlfriend (walking in): Hi, Mr. Jenkins! Dad (rolls eyes): I meant employment.
Twisted Sitcom
@TwistedSitcom
over 10 years ago
Husband: Son, grab me a beer would ya? Wife: Dear! He's only four! H: Good point. I should probably start keepin em on the bottom shelf.
Twisted Sitcom
@TwistedSitcom
over 10 years ago
Dad: How was school today son? Learn anything useful? Kid (grimacing): Yeah. Next time have her spit on her hand first.
Twisted Sitcom
@TwistedSitcom
over 10 years ago
Guy: What'll it take to get YOU into this 93 white Ford Econoline TODAY? Girl: Are u a used car salesman? Guy: Um. Yes. Let's go w/ that.
Twisted Sitcom
@TwistedSitcom
over 10 years ago
[office mens room urinals] Boss: Nice work on that dick. Guy: My name's not Dick, sir. Boss: I know that. Guy: *hastily zips up pants*
Twisted Sitcom
@TwistedSitcom
over 10 years ago
Grandpa: The streets used to be wider and have fewer pedestrians on 'em, back in my day! Kid: Uh, grandpa, you're driving on the sidewalk.
Twisted Sitcom
@TwistedSitcom
over 10 years ago
Uncle: Hey your friend was cute. Can I get her number? Niece: OMG we're in high school! Uncle: Oh right. Can I get her Snapchat then?
Twisted Sitcom
@TwistedSitcom
over 10 years ago
[parent-teacher conference] Dad: This is America! Maybe try givin' my kid his homework in English! Teacher: Sir, this is Spanish class.
Twisted Sitcom
@TwistedSitcom
over 10 years ago
Mom: Kids! No farting at the dinner table! Kid: But Grandpa gets to! Grandpa: Those aren't farts.
Twisted Sitcom
@TwistedSitcom
over 10 years ago
Principal: Sir, we found your son peeping in the girls locker room. Dad: Oh I'm so sorry! I told him never, ever to get caught doing that!
Twisted Sitcom
@TwistedSitcom
over 10 years ago
[family outing] Kid: I hate this! When will it be over?! Dad: Pipe down! You sound like your mother.
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