Twisted Sitcom

TV-style jokes. Terrible in every sense.

[Twisted Sitcom @TwistedSitcom]

[farmers market]

Female vendor: I have some really nice melons here.

Grandpa: You could say that again!

Family: Oh, grandpa...

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Kid: Dad, is this dishwasher safe?

Dad: Sure, as long as you're not in it while it's running.

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Dad: Son, what did I tell you about watching porn?

Son: Midgets or GTFO?

Dad: That's right. Now don't make me say it again.

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Bad pun sex ed teacher: Guys, use a sock when u masturbate. It could really--
Class: Don't say it
T: --come in--
C: Don't u dare
T: --handy!

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[Tindr]
- wanna meet?
- ok
- how bout dinner?
- sure. Do u have reservations?
- I mean, ur pic isn't the best but I'll give it a shot

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Husband: Any resolutions this year, honey?

Wife: Yeah. Have more headaches.

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Husband: 🎶 Believe it or not I'm walking on air! Never thought I could feel so freeee! 🎶

Wife: Did you have a nice poop, honey?

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Mom: Now let's all name something we're thankful for.

Teenage son: Incognito mode.

Mom: What's that?

Son, and Dad: Nothing!

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[retail store]

Employee 1: TGIF! Woo hoo!

Employee 2: Dude, we're open tomorrow.

Employee 1: FML.

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Dad: When are you gonna get a job, boy?

Son: I just did.

Girlfriend (walking in): Hi, Mr. Jenkins!

Dad (rolls eyes): I meant employment.

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Husband: Son, grab me a beer would ya?

Wife: Dear! He's only four!

H: Good point. I should probably start keepin em on the bottom shelf.

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Dad: How was school today son? Learn anything useful?

Kid (grimacing): Yeah. Next time have her spit on her hand first.

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Guy: What'll it take to get YOU into this 93 white Ford Econoline TODAY?

Girl: Are u a used car salesman?

Guy: Um. Yes. Let's go w/ that.

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[office mens room urinals]

Boss: Nice work on that dick.

Guy: My name's not Dick, sir.

Boss: I know that.

Guy: *hastily zips up pants*

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Grandpa: The streets used to be wider and have fewer pedestrians on 'em, back in my day!

Kid: Uh, grandpa, you're driving on the sidewalk.

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Uncle: Hey your friend was cute. Can I get her number?

Niece: OMG we're in high school!

Uncle: Oh right. Can I get her Snapchat then?

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[parent-teacher conference]

Dad: This is America! Maybe try givin' my kid his homework in English!

Teacher: Sir, this is Spanish class.

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Mom: Kids! No farting at the dinner table!

Kid: But Grandpa gets to!

Grandpa: Those aren't farts.

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Principal: Sir, we found your son peeping in the girls locker room.

Dad: Oh I'm so sorry! I told him never, ever to get caught doing that!

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[family outing]

Kid: I hate this! When will it be over?!

Dad: Pipe down! You sound like your mother.