i don’t know about men in general but
this is one of the most common patterns in narcissistic abuse: strategic image management paired with private destabilization.
the goal for them is narrative control.
the narcissistic partner maintains a public persona built around calm, charm, and reason. they know how to stay composed when it counts, & how to withhold just enough to make their partner unravel in private.
and when she finally reacts loudly, emotionally, or in desperation she becomes the story.
no one asks what led to that moment. no one sees the slow erosion of self-trust, the gaslighting, the subtle punishments for having needs. they just see the outburst.
and that’s the setup.
the more reactive she looks, the more credible he becomes.