Ham

Sometimes real life tweets happen. Sometimes product reviews happen. Nonetheless, I've got something for everyone

[Ham @what_eyethink]

#OscarCookMyKicks #Sweepstakes

[Ham @what_eyethink]

He's still asleep. He needs to leave before I get off work. FINALLY, around noon, I see he's online, so I have to ask "How are you feeling? Did you GTFO of my house yet?"

Luckily, he responded with "I just left babe".
And I reply with "I'm still not your babe".

[Ham @what_eyethink]

I've successfully left my house without my kid finding out there's a hungover man laid up in my bed. But what now? I have to go to work. how do I make sure this man gets out of my house? I keep staring at his FB messenger to see if he's online; it shows him inactive.

[Ham @what_eyethink]

Me: "You're lucky. It's just me, but hurry up. I HAVE to wake him up soon".
So he hurries up and runs back to my bedroom. I'm already dressed so I go and wake my kid up & brush my teeth. Run to the bedroom and blow DD really quick and then feed my animals and head out.

[Ham @what_eyethink]

So he scurries off to one of the bathrooms. -Normally by this point, my kid's alarm is going off. While DD uses one restroom, I use the other. He's got his phone in the bathroom and texts me "Is that you moving around or your kid? What am I supposed to do".

[Ham @what_eyethink]

After a night of doing grown folk stuff, the morning comes. We are awaken by the sound of my alarm clock on my phone. DD sits up and is like "I have shit" ... nice dude. Better hurry. I have to go wake my kid up and you aren't supposed to be here.

[Ham @what_eyethink]

I inform DD that my kid is in his room, asleep and that should have 0 clue that there's a man even in my house, so keep it QUIET & BE RESEPCTFUL.
He agrees. So he catches an UBER and shows up at my house. I sneak him in successfully.

[Ham @what_eyethink]

DD: DRINKING.
Me: Oh really? you are drinking? Would have never guessed (He's basically an alcoholic).
A few hour later he informs me he needs to Borrow my bed, with me in it. not sure why but I let him.

[Ham @what_eyethink]

A week and a half goes by without sex and I get the infamous "WYD" message. (Insert hard eye roll). Me: I'm doing responsible parent shit. Hanging with my kid. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

[Ham @what_eyethink]

So I text him "Farewell dick? Because I'm done. Just sleep with me one more time so I can be done". And he's basically like "Nope. Not happening".

[Ham @what_eyethink]

So next thing I know, I'm sitting around, checking out IG and I see DD has posted pics with a girl like "2nd Date; POFGOTMELIKE"... Whatever. He isn't my man, but really. It's obviously getting serious if he's posting pics on IG. RIGHT? Right.

[Ham @what_eyethink]

I'm fully aware that Devil Dick is just a fuck boy. FULLY AWARE! So after a few weeks, he finally tells me "I've been sleeping with other people". and I'm like "I figured you've been doing that the whole time anyway".

[Ham @what_eyethink]

Naturally I tell all my friends about Devil Dick. I'm like "Girls, He's is seriously NO GOOD FOR ME! But that diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick". They get it. So they allow the shit show to commence.

[Ham @what_eyethink]

So we go on adventure. And the dick is amazing. Like... Really good. So good I stored him in my phone and changed his name on messenger to "DEVIL DICK".

[Ham @what_eyethink]

I became "FRIENDS" with a guy on Facebook. We never really talked. Then one day I got a message that said "Let's go on adventure". And I'm all like "Yeah, dude, I like Adventures. Let's do this". Adventure obviously meant "let's get drunk & fuck". I was oblivious.

[Ham @what_eyethink]

Have you ever met someone and was like "you're bad news. You don't have your shit together" but proceed to engage with said person to "see where it goes"? Yeah, I did that.

[Ham @what_eyethink]

@Pringles, can't wait to get stacking! #PringlesFlavorStack #LosAngeles #Boston

[Ham @what_eyethink]

@Unstopables #FeistyFreshness #GotItFree

Big boss is showing up for work this week. I have to keep my outfit smelling as Fresh as it looks and these Downy Unstoppables are the perfect partner.

[Ham @what_eyethink]

Day 135 without sex: Co-worker said "FUCK EVERYTHING". I replied "Am I a part of everything?"

[Ham @what_eyethink]

Day 133 without sex: I treated myself to dinner but as soon as I got home, I told myself I was tired and went to bed alone.