Deborah

I did something exciting once - okay it was ages ago and just that one time, but it still counts, right? Anyway I’ve linked more tweets below. First one’s free.

[Deborah @WifeEyeSignal]

How can you tell if a woman is a vegetarian if you’ve never met herbivore?

[Seth Vargas @ohsethy]

Twitter isn’t for fighting it’s for finding 10-20 witty people to joke with in between working.

[Deborah @WifeEyeSignal]

Inside you are two quokkas, making you way cuter than all those people with two wolves inside them

Jokes aside, quokka smuggling is a serious offence and I am placing you under arrest

[meghan @deloisivete]

You’re…you’re welcome

[Drew (some assembly required) @dmc1138]

Instructor: "Welcome to salsa class! Who's ready to learn how to dance?"

Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: "There's been a misunderstanding."

[Bad Mikey @BadMikeyBad]

My family crest is a bunch of red flags woven together like a wreath

[Deborah @WifeEyeSignal]

If the grammar police arrest you, there’s no parole - you have to serve the full sentence.

[Shen @darcygrl1971]

secret Santa, but it's just me hiding my credit card bill from myself until January

[Deborah @WifeEyeSignal]

Oh your community garden features heritage kale and three types of mint? That’s cute. Mine grows emojis.

[Jason, ex Inferis @benedictsred]

Adderall be like, “Come on, bestie. Let’s solve a mystery.”

[Uptown Schmuck @SchmuckOnAHorse]

Sex is great and all, but have you ever finished your shampoo and conditioner at the same time?

[ugh @ughfinewhatever]

Going to a dark place if anyone wants anything

[A-Moo’s Bouche 🐮 @AsclepiasRosa]

I won't tell anyone if I win the lottery ... but there will be signs

[Lt. Commander Stark @Wh0v1an_4_L1fe]

Me: *looking around in surprise* You have medieval bards that show up once a month? Sometimes when you least expect it?

Her: *shrugs* It's my minstrel cycle.

[Ben Jenkins @bencjenkins]

I’m not sure this box of poison should have the word “treats” so prominently displayed.

[Deborah @WifeEyeSignal]

@oh_porter They get the Mariners to sort it out

[A Dad Influence @gbergan]

So disappointed the first tweet was "just setting up my twttr" when it could've been something like "L'eggs implies the existence of L'birds."

[7ach @bankofskol2]

I’m fine.

*shovels another handful of shredded cheese from the bag directly in to my mouth*

Like I said... I am fine.

[Deborah @WifeEyeSignal]

The West Coast is the Best Coast, the East Coast is the Least Coast, the South Coast is the Mouth Coast and the North Coast …

Couldn’t really say. It’s beyond our borders. You must never go there, Simba.