Etty Hillesum

~ The diaries of Esther ‘Etty’ Hillesum (1914 - 1943) ~ 20-something Jewish Dutch student living in Nazi-occupied Amsterdam ~

[Etty Hillesum @_EttyHillesum]

19 March 1941: So life has suddenly become full. —

[Etty Hillesum @_EttyHillesum]

17/18 March 1941 [cont.]: If you practise something daily, then you will also feel daily that something is gradually taking shape.

My “centre” is growing firmer by the day.

[Etty Hillesum @_EttyHillesum]

17 March 1941: At the end of every day you ought to concentrate for ten minutes on how the day has gone, what good and what bad it has brought you, what unnecessary effort, etc.

[Etty Hillesum @_EttyHillesum]

16 March 1941: And now that I don’t want to own anything any more and am free, now I suddenly own everything, now my inner riches are immeasurable.

[Etty Hillesum @_EttyHillesum]

15 March 1941 [11.30am]: Socialists and communists are probably one step further than the uncommitted citizen, but they cling firmly to Russia where the same methods will prevail as here.

...You’ve put that with disgraceful sloppiness, my girl.

[Etty Hillesum @_EttyHillesum]

15 March 1941: It is the problem of our age: hatred of Germans poisons everyone’s minds.

[Etty Hillesum @_EttyHillesum]

14 March 1941: And now I am tired and cluttered up inside. And satisfied. Life is rich.

[Etty Hillesum @_EttyHillesum]

13 March 1941: In the past I always had that hunted feeling of having no time for anything. Talks and brief encounters with friends always gave me the frantic and upset feeling I was wasting some of my precious time. And what did I need this time for?

[Etty Hillesum @_EttyHillesum]

12 March 1941 [9pm]: ...in the end I shall, perhaps, finish up as an adult, capable of helping other souls who are in trouble, and of creating some sort of clarity through my work for others, for that’s what it’s really all about.

[Etty Hillesum @_EttyHillesum]

12 March 1941: Anyone who tackles an important task must forget himself.

[Etty Hillesum @_EttyHillesum]

11 March 1941: I thrust him away, swear like a navvy. It simply must not happen.

[Etty Hillesum @_EttyHillesum]

10 March 1941 [midnight]: The battle has begun and the first day was lovely, far too lovely!

[Etty Hillesum @_EttyHillesum]

10 March 1941: Just organise things a little, exercise some mental hygiene. The subject right before you is more important than those prodigious thoughts on Tolstoy and Napoleon that occurred to you in the middle of last night.

[Etty Hillesum @_EttyHillesum]

9 March 1941 [night]: Just the sound of his voice over the telephone was enough to make my body betray me. But I swore like a navvy, telling myself that I was no longer a hysterical teenager.

[Etty Hillesum @_EttyHillesum]

9 March 1941: Here goes, then. A painful and nigh on insuperable step for me, yielding up so much that has been suppressed to a blank sheet of paper. So many inhibitions, so much fear of letting go, yet that is what I must do if I am to give my life a satisfactory purpose.

[Etty Hillesum @_EttyHillesum]

8 March 1941: But I know again now that I am not mad, I simply need to do a lot of work on myself. You will be helping me, won’t you?