George Pira

I’ll come back to this later.

[George Pira @_GeorgePira]

Happy birthday to me, Shia LaBeouf and Peter Dinklage.

Joshua Jackson and Hugh Laurie couldn’t make it for the photo op.

[George Pira @_GeorgePira]

Can somebody plz marry my fiancée’s Maid of Honor so she doesn’t get deported before the wedding? She’s from Turkey and does standup in NYC!

@TheEllenShow @jimmyfallon @pattonoswalt @Trevornoah @roywoodjr @jimmykimmel
(tagging you for help, not to be the Chuck to her Larry.)

[George Pira @_GeorgePira]

Happy 18th Birthday, War in Afghanistan! You can now enlist in the war in Afghanistan.

#timeflies

[George Pira @_GeorgePira]

Update on my new life as an influencer

[George Pira @_GeorgePira]

Am I an influencer yet?

[George Pira @_GeorgePira]

Hello @mulaney,

You took this photo, along with many others at the @UPComedyClub, and it was heavily highlighted on my Tinder profile. I matched with the lovely @rachelllblock 3 years ago and this weekend she proposed.

So...thank you & you are obviously invited to the wedding!

[George Pira @_GeorgePira]

Ya gotta have thick skin to be a landlord and evict people.

I, on the other hand, won’t even throw away an old box because my cat likes to sit in sometimes.

[George Pira @_GeorgePira]

When she surprises you with a pint of @jenisicecreams and you didn’t even know it was available in the state >>>>

[George Pira @_GeorgePira]

My Credit Cards: here’s a button to turn on Auto-Bill Payment!

@FifthThird: if you want to set up Auto-Bill Payment, call us, wait on hold, get transferred to the Auto-Bill Payment Department, wait on hold, and we’ll set it up for you, BUT it’ll be for the wrong amount!

[George Pira @_GeorgePira]

I’m convinced 1/3 of my life has been spent resetting passwords..

with caps, without caps, add a symbol, now try without the the symbols but with a number..

[George Pira @_GeorgePira]

I didn’t want to delete my text thread with @rachelllblock until I could back it up somehow and revisit it later, which I did today.

Here’s how much memory a conversation that spans 1,050 days takes up in case you are wondering.

[George Pira @_GeorgePira]

My student loans actually made me cry today 🙃

🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸

[George Pira @_GeorgePira]

Me, after running my first 1/2 Marathon.

#mydogsarebarking

[George Pira @_GeorgePira]

Only thing not in the photo is Demetri Martin #frontrow

[George Pira @_GeorgePira]

teacher: draw a perfect circle

me:

[Aaron Rupar @atrupar]

Here's Trump depicting MSNBC's ratings

[George Pira @_GeorgePira]

Ya gotta respect @redrobinburgers for advertising “bottomless” sodas as if free refills aren’t a thing at 99.9% of restaurants.

I hear they also give you a FREE spoon with every soup purchase.

[George Pira @_GeorgePira]

Did you know that your credit score is actually just the number of grilled cheese sandwiches you’ve eaten in your life + your current age?

[George Pira @_GeorgePira]

Green is not most people’s color #TheMoreYouKnow🌈

[George Pira @_GeorgePira]

The single greatest thing about Bernie running again is that James Adomian gets to do his hilarious impression again 😂