Murder!Cat

You've heard tales of my status, my glory, my guardianship of the humans I permit to feed me. I am the watcher of the garden, the legendary Murder!Cat.

[Murder!Cat @_MurderCat]

@jaymgates I was merely warming your spot. Sigh. No appreciation.

Unrelated note - my food bowl is empty.

[Murder!Cat @_MurderCat]

The humans thought that by drugging me it would dull my hunter instincts. But I am a wild beast! I am rage incarnate! I am... OOOO! Sunbeam! Nap time.

[Murder!Cat @_MurderCat]

@DylanBirtolo I have now recovered. Your suffering will be long-lasting, after dinner.

[Murder!Cat @_MurderCat]

@DylanBirtolo @amazon I will put my plans of your demise on hold... for at least five minutes.

[Murder!Cat @_MurderCat]

It is a cat's right to take popcorn from the human by any means necessary, if they've forgotten the natural order of things. Including out of the human's mouth. So I did.

[Murder!Cat @_MurderCat]

@DylanBirtolo It's not loved, it's useful. You are warm and your legs are soft. You make an acceptable bed. You move too much though. 4/10.

[Murder!Cat @_MurderCat]

Why yes, it is my cocoa. It was on the desk unattended. #catlogic

[Murder!Cat @_MurderCat]

@jaymgates Maybe you should have given me that food...

[Murder!Cat @_MurderCat]

@jaymgates You seek to deny me that which is rightfully mine! Clearly if you are going to that much effort making food, it is for my benefit. Why would you be so cruel? My vengeance will be the stuff of legend.

[Murder!Cat @_MurderCat]

I'm not lazy. I simply believe in conserving my energy for when things really matter. For example - when food is involved, especially if it isn't mine. #catlife

[Murder!Cat @_MurderCat]

Ah yes - I always enjoy a good game of Vaults and Vacuums...

[Murder!Cat @_MurderCat]

@lshadowell They escaped with their lives... barely.

[Murder!Cat @_MurderCat]

Excuse me, you're forgetting to share.

[Murder!Cat @_MurderCat]

I was napping but then duty called. One of the humans has food! I must help! #CatHelping #TouchTheFood

[Murder!Cat @_MurderCat]

Sit down human! Your services are needed as a cushion!

[Murder!Cat @_MurderCat]

I was not being lazy. I was saving my energy for when my skills are needed. Like when the food bag is opened.

[Murder!Cat @_MurderCat]

@DylanBirtolo You ungrateful monster.

[Murder!Cat @_MurderCat]

Rule #3 - when locked in the laundry room, make the humans regret their poor decision with strategic hairball placement. #catrules

[Murder!Cat @_MurderCat]

@CatKimbriel @jaymgates I allowed it to escape. I lost interest.

[Murder!Cat @_MurderCat]

*scamper scamper scamper* Hey, who put an object here? Well, that suit of armor was asking for it anyways.