Robert Schultz

🌴 comedian | writer | etc. 🌴

[Robert Schultz @_RobertSchultz]

My freshman year roommate sat me down Day 1 and was like “Heads up: I’ll be bringing lots of girls and maybe even some guys to the dorm this year so, if that scares you, grow up cuz this ain’t high school!”

Anyway, he brought one girl back the whole year and now they’re married.

[Robert Schultz @_RobertSchultz]

i’ve never won the lottery but i have gone to the bathroom while waiting for my food at a restaurant and then come back from the bathroom to find my food at the table which i imagine feels pretty similar

[Robert Schultz @_RobertSchultz]

great news

[Robert Schultz @_RobertSchultz]

“and it appears that… yes… my children’s kindly British nanny has been my ex-husband in disguise all along”

[Robert Schultz @_RobertSchultz]

People complain it’s unrealistic Clark Kent just puts on glasses and none of the people he works with recognize he’s Superman but, as someone who’s worked a lot of office jobs, nothing could be more realistic than nobody in an office paying any real attention to their coworkers.

[Robert Schultz @_RobertSchultz]

the way instagram’s algorithm works is that for every 10,000 followers you gain posting reels, you alienate 1 real life acquaintance forever

[Robert Schultz @_RobertSchultz]

Elon Musk just became the world’s first trillionaire and, to put in context how much a trillion dollars is, that’s like more than DOUBLE the amount of money I’ve got

[Robert Schultz @_RobertSchultz]

do you think elon musk becoming a trillionaire will radicalize normal, everyday billionaires? i imagine jeff bezos and bill gates hearing about elon’s trillions and being like “y’know it’s lowkey wrong for one person to have so much while the rest of us have so little smh”

[Robert Schultz @_RobertSchultz]

i’ve been married a few months and so far the biggest change to my day-to-day life has been that now instead of people being like “wait, you have a girlfriend? i thought you were gay” people are like “wait, you have a wife? i thought you were gay” which feels like a lateral move

[Robert Schultz @_RobertSchultz]

media outlets owned by billionaires love to publish articles like "a troubling workplace trend has emerged in which employees are expecting to be compensated by their employer for the work they do on behalf of the company, experts are terrified..."

[Robert Schultz @_RobertSchultz]

whenever you simply mention that a billionaire is a billionaire, people come out of the woodwork to be like “that’s not liquid though! Most of their money is in stocks and other assets!” and it’s like, oh okay, so i guess that makes them poor then???

[Robert Schultz @_RobertSchultz]

I used to not really trust A.I. but then I saw a bunch of beloved Hollywood celebrities saying that "A.I. is the future" and now I also don’t trust Hollywood celebrities

[Robert Schultz @_RobertSchultz]

people talk about A.I. the way you talk about your friend's loser boyfriend who she refuses to dump like "yeah, he's objectively bad but he's not going anywhere so we just have to get used to him and try to limit his negative effects on the environment"

[dana donnelly @danadonnelly]

so like, what are we? (a short film about situationships) shot on 16mm

[Robert Schultz @_RobertSchultz]

i heard an old person say “men today aren’t providers!” and it’s like, oh yeah, well then who do you think is PROVIDING my wife YouTube videos she has to watch???

[Robert Schultz @_RobertSchultz]

in college i double-majored in english and political science and people will be like “oh, so does that mean you know a lot about literature and politics?” and it’s like, oh god no, that just means i know a lot about avoiding math at all costs

[Robert Schultz @_RobertSchultz]

i actually don’t come from money but my overall vibe naturally has a “my father will be hearing about this” energy so nobody believes me

[dana donnelly @danadonnelly]

husband goes “tropical vacations are rough with you” i go “why?” he goes “because you literally call any random person wearing sunglasses ‘iconic.’ you’re the girl who cried ‘iconic.’” maybe true…

[Robert Schultz @_RobertSchultz]

nothing turns me into a Republican faster than QR code menus like a waitress will tell me their menu is totally digital and I just shake my head like “we used to be a f*ckin’ country”

[Robert Schultz @_RobertSchultz]

my wife just found a strand of her own hair in my car then demanded to know if I was cheating on her with a woman who looks exactly like her so who says a drama-free relationship can’t have drama???

[Robert Schultz @_RobertSchultz]

i was hanging out with my irish grandmother and i accidentally described her as being "basically british" which, in the irish community, is actually considered a su!c!de attempt