Aaron Stauffer

[Aaron Stauffer @A_Stauf]

Remember, therapy is free if you just tell everybody your problems

[Aaron Stauffer @A_Stauf]

I love playing the "hold your breath as you pass a cemetery" game. It's the only time I can fart in the car with my girlfriend.

[Aaron Stauffer @A_Stauf]

Bar Eavesdrop:
"I'm a LEGO maniac. I'm a maniac. But I'm also a LEGO maniac."

[Aaron Stauffer @A_Stauf]

Me when asked to give my license plate #:
"C as in cat, 4, T as in Teddy, D as in dog, D as in dog, Y"
The operator, clearly a pro, repeating:
"Okay so that's C as in charlie, 4, T as in Tom, D as in delta, D as in delta, Y as in Yankee"
Me:
"Yes, that is correct, I'm an idiot"

[Aaron Stauffer @A_Stauf]

If you don't eat the cherries in your cocktails, I don't want to know you.

[Aaron Stauffer @A_Stauf]

To my girlfriend and parents: when you call me and I seem cold and quiet, it's not you. I'm driving and you just interrupted a really good song, that's all. #imnotmad #alwaysduringthebestpartofthesong

[Aaron Stauffer @A_Stauf]

Why is it that whenever I walk into a Walmart I feel like I'M the greeter? #maybethatsthepoint #reversepsychology

[Aaron Stauffer @A_Stauf]

You ever fart in your car and still smell it the next morning?
Yeah, me neither.

[Aaron Stauffer @A_Stauf]

Hate when ads say things like "these are paid actors, not real people." Like, dude, actors ARE real people. #actorsarepeopletoo

[Aaron Stauffer @A_Stauf]

"It's the most beautiful thing in the world." "It's the most terrible thing in the… https://t.co/2QeGuAjfYV

[Aaron Stauffer @A_Stauf]

I keep an incognito tab always ready just for looking up the latest slang kids are using these days.

[Aaron Stauffer @A_Stauf]

"I've got room inside this house of mine" #maxgarciaconover. #marchisreadingmonth… https://t.co/N8uFlGecqk

[Aaron Stauffer @A_Stauf]

"I begin to think there are better things than being comfortable." #marchisreadingmonth… https://t.co/7fm26JlVk4

[Aaron Stauffer @A_Stauf]

Let it begin #marchisreadingmonth #bealeaderbeareader #georgemacdonald #atthebackofthenorthwind… https://t.co/HpBViajPTg

[Aaron Stauffer @A_Stauf]

My friend tried to teach me euchre, but all I could think was "f*ck Trump"

[Aaron Stauffer @A_Stauf]

I'm single so, yes, I dress up when I go grocery shopping. At midnight. And I look d*mn good. #comeonladies #meetmeinaisle5

[Aaron Stauffer @A_Stauf]

That moment when you're on the phone with tech support and you wanna just ask, "so, are you single?"

[Aaron Stauffer @A_Stauf]

I wish I could just follow myself because I'm so f*cking hilarious #nocluehowtousetwitter

[Aaron Stauffer @A_Stauf]

We might not have much time... But we have plenty of basil.

[Aaron Stauffer @A_Stauf]

Security question: "Where did you meet your spouse?"
Customer: "Um, I don't know. Parking lot?"
Me: #yikes #saynomore