Aaron Kheifets

Comedy writer, math lover, bio haver.

[Aaron Kheifets @AaronKheifets]

Everyone is stupid accept me.

[Warren Leight @warrenleightTV]

Sad to report that Kim Kardashian crossed our midtown picket line today. Ushered past us into a freight elevator in her chauffeured Escalade. Writers aren’t keeping up, but Kim Krossed Our Line

[Warren Leight @warrenleightTV]

11:45.
Urgent. We need pickets at
164 Driggs
between Diamond and Humboldt. ASAP
Please amplify

[Aaron Kheifets @AaronKheifets]

My wife says I have weaponized incompetence but joke’s on her: I don’t even know what that means.

[Aaron Kheifets @AaronKheifets]

“Extroverted” just means someone recharges by being around others, “introverted” means y hey recharge by being alone: get one of each and hook them up to your batteries so you’re recharging in any situation.

[Aaron Kheifets @AaronKheifets]

If we are so worried about AI, have we considered putting Elon Musk in charge of it?

[Aaron Kheifets @AaronKheifets]

I’ve got 99 problems but no, let’s talk about your thing.

[Aaron Kheifets @AaronKheifets]

.@SpaceX has done such amazing things, I can’t wait to see what @timex has in store.

[Aaron Kheifets @AaronKheifets]

So it’s illegal for poor people to ask for money in the subway but it is fine for large corporations to blast flashing electronic ads all over it? Very cool, @MTA

[Aaron Kheifets @AaronKheifets]

It’s New Year’s Eve, not New Year’s Steve.

[Aaron Kheifets @AaronKheifets]

The GOP’s platform is a essentially, “Gah! We would have gotten away with it, if it weren’t for you meddling kids!!”

[Aaron Kheifets @AaronKheifets]

Movie pitch: it’s Knives Out but the victim is Elon Musk so literally every person on earth is a suspect.

[Aaron Kheifets @AaronKheifets]

@eblarden It made it to the west coast but I think not in the same numbers. It really marks you as a “not necessarily a white person with dreadlocks but there’s some risk here.”

[Aaron Kheifets @AaronKheifets]

Call me old fashioned but I’m saving marriage until after I’ve had sex.

[Aaron Kheifets @AaronKheifets]

#berryfact number 14: Blueberries were created when god ran out of new ideas for berries.

[Aaron Kheifets @AaronKheifets]

U2 is pretty good if you like mainstream stuff but I’m more into U1

[Aaron Kheifets @AaronKheifets]

Not funny but too good not to share:

https://t.co/K2ec2C9fgZ

[Aaron Kheifets @AaronKheifets]

“Blue no matter who!”
-me talking about the sadness that haunts me no matter who I’m with

[Aaron Kheifets @AaronKheifets]

Noodles are sauce trebuchets

[Sarah Natochenny 🦄 @sarahnatochenny]

Two of my hottest friends got married after over a decade of friendship in the most “duh” wedding of a lifetime. They’ve cultivated such a wonderful circle of friends and I couldn’t be more grateful to be one of them. Adore you both ❤️❤️❤️ @joshruben @laurensick #joshgotsick

[Aaron Kheifets @AaronKheifets]

Life hack: die.