Alexandra Simonfay Portale

How do I like my eggs? In a cake 🎂

[Alexandra Simonfay Portale @AlexSimonfay]

Popular girl who stuck "freshman slave" sticker on me in HS now works at Bath & Body Works and it smells like sweet, juniper breeze justice

[Alexandra Simonfay Portale @AlexSimonfay]

If you’re not shopping @CrackerBarrel you have no taste

[Alexandra Simonfay Portale @AlexSimonfay]

Scuse me while I go eat all my kids’ Halloween candy and watch the original Scream

[Alexandra Simonfay Portale @AlexSimonfay]

You can’t give sick people tic tacs

[Alexandra Simonfay Portale @AlexSimonfay]

The 50 pound rainbow knit afghan my husband has had since childhood will inevitably follow us from home to home where it will never see the light of day but take up an entire closet shelf

[Alexandra Simonfay Portale @AlexSimonfay]

How is the best case scenario Joe Biden

[Alexandra Simonfay Portale @AlexSimonfay]

Post Malone has a little somethin somethin

[Alexandra Simonfay Portale @AlexSimonfay]

I’ve moved into my swim skirt era 👵🏼

[Alexandra Simonfay Portale @AlexSimonfay]

Being a woman today means you and your girlfriends are constantly sending each other videos on how not to get kidnapped in a parking lot

[Alexandra Simonfay Portale @AlexSimonfay]

The way I’m going to toss these pregnancy pillows in the garbage the second I feel a contraction

[Alexandra Simonfay Portale @AlexSimonfay]

There is bad ice and there is good ice

[Alexandra Simonfay Portale @AlexSimonfay]

If it’s going to be wet, why can’t it just snow?

[Alexandra Simonfay Portale @AlexSimonfay]

Football is really ruining my holiday movie plans

[Alexandra Simonfay Portale @AlexSimonfay]

Daycare is a blessing and idc what all the other Moms say ✌🏼

[Alexandra Simonfay Portale @AlexSimonfay]

You can’t just go around calling people ma’am

[Alexandra Simonfay Portale @AlexSimonfay]

Mood

https://t.co/mOq8fJC9pa

[Alexandra Simonfay Portale @AlexSimonfay]

Is anything worse than having to bring a puffy winter jacket on an airplane?

[Alexandra Simonfay Portale @AlexSimonfay]

Another day another shooting. It’s almost as if…there’s a solution?? 🇺🇸

[Alexandra Simonfay Portale @AlexSimonfay]

The Eggnog is out!

[Alexandra Simonfay Portale @AlexSimonfay]

She loves a bathrobe

[Alexandra Simonfay Portale @AlexSimonfay]

Frankenweenie has no right 😭