Your Mom

Siri, set up twitter account

[Your Mom @Allthemomtweets]

I'm calling to make sure your phone still works. It still works so I guess you're just a terrible child.

[Your Mom @Allthemomtweets]

Honey get eggs

[Your Mom @Allthemomtweets]

I know you're interested in comedy, have you by any chance heard of Sarah Silverman?

[Your Mom @Allthemomtweets]

I can't believe you have a URL I taught you to WASH YOUR VAGINA

[Your Mom @Allthemomtweets]

There's plenty of food in this house young lady! Chew on some flax seeds.

[Your Mom @Allthemomtweets]

YOU HAVE A BA IN SOCIOLOGY WHY DONT YOU HAVE 1000 JOBS

[Your Mom @Allthemomtweets]

I bought you some fishnet stockings because I know you like wearing not pants as pants

[Your Mom @Allthemomtweets]

Remember to send a thank you note for the thank you note.

[Your Mom @Allthemomtweets]

Sure you can have candy here's some fruit leather

[Your Mom @Allthemomtweets]

Tweet

[Your Mom @Allthemomtweets]

I told the family you'd go to temple & marry a Jew & have children & raise them Jewish & be the messiah why can't you just be flexible?

[Your Mom @Allthemomtweets]

WHEN YOU WERE IN PRESCHOOL I TOLD THE OTHER MOMS YOU'D BE PRESIDENT DON'T MAKE ME A LIAR

[Your Mom @Allthemomtweets]

Planning a surprise wedding!! My daughter and her boyfriend will be SO HAPPY. IT'S MANDATORY.

[Your Mom @Allthemomtweets]

I have a friend, well she's more of a colleague, and I ran into HER friend at the grocery store, she was wearing a green shirt, and she says

[Your Mom @Allthemomtweets]

How do you record something on Netflix?

[Your Mom @Allthemomtweets]

Why be a comedian when you could be a funny biologist?

[Your Mom @Allthemomtweets]

Want to go see a movie? I need to know 5 years in advance.

[Your Mom @Allthemomtweets]

My friend's cousin's yoga instructor's cat's babysitter's landlord is single so I gave him your number

[Your Mom @Allthemomtweets]

I like Mack Lemore

[Your Mom @Allthemomtweets]

If you get a tattoo you'll never get a job and everyone will yell at you and throw you in jail but hey it's your body