Alyson Derrick

I mostly just share quotes from my cartoon character of a mom

[Alyson Derrick @Alysonderrick]

@rchllipp What’s it like to date a younger woman?

[Alyson Derrick @Alysonderrick]

@rchllipp The one in your inbox 🙃

[Alyson Derrick @Alysonderrick]

WOOO!!

[IT: Welcome to Derry 🎈🎈 @ITMovieOfficial]

Witness the end of IT. Watch the new trailer now. #ITMovie

[Alyson Derrick @Alysonderrick]

The biggest act of “I’m all in” in a gay relationship isn’t moving in together, it’s going down to one straightener and one blow dryer

[Alyson Derrick @Alysonderrick]

Driving through my hometown and I just saw two infant-sized car seats strapped to the back of a man’s four wheeler in the middle of a field. Very on brand for Greenville, PA.

[Alyson Derrick @Alysonderrick]

@rchllipp this is some real gay shit

[Alyson Derrick @Alysonderrick]

Me and Rach: “let’s get matching backpacks, it’ll be so cute!”

Also Me and Rach: *constantly have to meet up because we took the wrong backpacks

[Alyson Derrick @Alysonderrick]

YAYYY!!!! 🎉🎉🎉

[Simon Teen @simonteen]

Congrats @rchllipp! #FiveFeetApart is #1 on the @nytimes bestseller list for the 5th week!! Don't forget to watch @FiveFeetApart in theaters now!

[Alyson Derrick @Alysonderrick]

My mom left my dad in charge of booking the AirBnB this time, and he booked a yurt and she didn’t find out until they arrived at said yurt

[Alyson Derrick @Alysonderrick]

@rchllipp @siobhanvivian OMGGGGG

[Alyson Derrick @Alysonderrick]

Rachael just woke up, whispered, “Alyson, look.” Pointed at a brown pillow and said, “Hank.”

[Simon Teen @simonteen]

Congrats @rchllipp! #FiveFeetApart is #1 on the @nytimes bestseller list for the 3rd week!! Don't forget to watch @FiveFeetApart in theaters now!

[Alyson Derrick @Alysonderrick]

@rchllipp 4 U

[Alyson Derrick @Alysonderrick]

@siobhanvivian @rchllipp Hough’s in Greenfield

[Alyson Derrick @Alysonderrick]

🥰 Congrats Rach!!!! 🍾

[Simon Teen @simonteen]

#FiveFeetApart is #1 on the @nytimes bestseller list!! Congrats @rchllipp! We can't for @FiveFeetApart to hit theaters this Friday! @justinbaldoni

[Alyson Derrick @Alysonderrick]

@SamsungMobile I saw it on tv, and excitedly grabbed my phone to send a photo to my gf, but it skipped right over it. Which sucks because I’ve been going on and on about how cool it was to everyone I know. @SamsungMobile

[Alyson Derrick @Alysonderrick]

Honestly, fuck you @SamsungMobile
You really cut the two gay moms out of your cable commercial, but kept literally every other scene? Cool. Cool. Cool. Y’all suck. #Samsung

[Alyson Derrick @Alysonderrick]

That @SamsungMobile commercial was better than 95% of all gay films

[Alyson Derrick @Alysonderrick]

*after 2 minutes of this back and forth
Me: you know my mom’s a witch.
R: she is not.
Me: okay.
R: Alyson, your mom is not a witch!
Me: *shrugs*
R: stop! You’re freaking me out!

[Alyson Derrick @Alysonderrick]

“Excuse me, ma’am, do you need some help with that?”

“NO IM GAY”