Ambrose Bierce

Channeling the genius of Ambrose Bierce, specifically his Devil's Dictionary, one tweet at a time

[Ambrose Bierce @AmbroseBierce1]

YESTERDAY, n. The infancy of youth, the youth of manhood, the entire past of age.

[Ambrose Bierce @AmbroseBierce1]

SCEPTER, n. A King's staff of office, the sign and symbol of his authority. It was originally a mace with which the sovereign admonished his jester and vetoed ministerial measures by breaking the bones of their proponents.

[Ambrose Bierce @AmbroseBierce1]

LECTURER, n. One with his hand in his pocket, his tongue in your ear and his faith in your patience.

[Ambrose Bierce @AmbroseBierce1]

LINEN, n. "A kind of cloth the making of which, when made of hemp, entails a great waste of hemp." - Calcraft the Hangman.

[Ambrose Bierce @AmbroseBierce1]

DEINOTHERIUM, n. An extinct pachyderm that flourished when the Pterodactyl was in fashion. The latter was a native of Ireland, its name being pronounced Terry Dactyl or Peter O'Dactyl, as the man pronouncing it may chance to have heard it spoken or seen it printed.

[Ambrose Bierce @AmbroseBierce1]

ALLEGIANCE, n.
This thing Allegiance, as I suppose,
Is a ring fitted in the subject's nose,
Whereby that organ is kept rightly pointed
To smell the sweetness of the Lord's annointed.

[Ambrose Bierce @AmbroseBierce1]

INEXPEDIENT, adj. Not calculated to advance one's interests.

[Ambrose Bierce @AmbroseBierce1]

GOUT, n. A physician's name for the rheumatism of a rich patient

[Ambrose Bierce @AmbroseBierce1]

WEREWOLF, n. (3/3)... and had resumed its human form during the night. "The next time that you take a wolf," the good man said, "see that you chain it by the leg, and in the morning you will find a Lutheran."

[Ambrose Bierce @AmbroseBierce1]

WEREWOLF, n. (1/3) A wolf that was once, or is sometimes, a man. All werewolves are of evil disposition, having assumed a bestial form to gratify a bestial appetite, but some, transformed by sorcery, are as humane as is consistent with an acquired taste for human flesh.

[Ambrose Bierce @AmbroseBierce1]

WEREWOLF, n. (2/3) Some Bavarian peasants having caught a wolf one evening, tied it to a post by the tail and went to bed. The next morning nothing was there! Greatly perplexed, they consulted the local priest, who told them that their captive was undoubtedly a werewolf...

[Ambrose Bierce @AmbroseBierce1]

(2/2) An undiscredited, unhooted gent
Who might, for all we know, be President
By acclimation. Cheer, ye varlets, cheer
I'm passing with a wide and open ear!

- Jonathan Fomry

[Ambrose Bierce @AmbroseBierce1]

Doggerel upon the notion of the President (1/2)

If that's an honour surely 'tis a greater
To have been a simple and undamned spectator
Behold in me a man of mark and note
Whom no elector e'er denied a vote!

[Ambrose Bierce @AmbroseBierce1]

PRESIDENT, n. The leading figure in a small group of men of whom - and of whom only - it is positively known that immense numbers of their countrymen did not want any of them for President.

[Doggerel to follow]

[Ambrose Bierce @AmbroseBierce1]

A mere three attempts sufficed to complete the Herculean task of splitting the last definition into two morsels, properly threaded. attoniti micuere ego sum.

[Ambrose Bierce @AmbroseBierce1]

DAWN, n. (2/2) ... as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find only robust persons doing this is that it has killed all the others who have tried it.

[Ambrose Bierce @AmbroseBierce1]

DAWN, n. (1/2) The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men prefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk on an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with pride to these practices...

[Ambrose Bierce @AmbroseBierce1]

EXPERIENCE, n. Wisdom that enables us to recognise as an undesirable old acquaintance the folly we have already embraced.

To one who, journeying thru night & fog
Is mired neck-deep in an unwholesome bog
Experience, like the rising of dawn
Reveals the path he should not have gone

[Ambrose Bierce @AmbroseBierce1]

EXISTENCE, n.
A transient, horrible, fantastic dream,
Wherein is nothing yet all things do seem:
From which we're wakened by a friendly nudge
Of our bedfellow Death, and cry: "Oh fudge!"

[Ambrose Bierce @AmbroseBierce1]

EXILE, n. One who serves his country by residing abroad, yet is not an ambassador.