Andrea

I’m probably hungry

[Andrea @AndreaSoFancy]

Toddler: You’re brave like me, Mommy.

Me: We’re some brave ladies.

Toddler: No! You’re a lady because you’re big. I’m not big. I’m small. Can’t you see how small I am?!

[Andrea @AndreaSoFancy]

Judge: Reason for divorce?

Wife’s attorney: Defendant is believed to have insulted Phil Collins’ musical talents

[Andrea @AndreaSoFancy]

I literally forgot how my shower works.

I got in there, was trying to adjust the water temp, and could not figure it out.

That’s how long it’s been since I showered.

#SAHMlife

[Andrea @AndreaSoFancy]

If my dishes are done, I can conquer the world.

I just can’t do the fucking dishes.

[Andrea @AndreaSoFancy]

I strongly suggest bringing your 3-yr-old with you into a public bathroom when you need to pee so that, as she’s standing in the stall with you, she can loudly announce to the rest of the bathroom, “Mommy, what’s the yellow spot on your underwear? Is that potty?!”

[Andrea @AndreaSoFancy]

I don’t remember my first period, but I remember one, early on, when I was playing mini stick hockey with my brother, he noticed the red stain before I did, and then he became uncomfortable & didn’t want to play with me anymore
#NormalizeWomensHealth
#LetsTalkAboutPeriods

[Andrea @AndreaSoFancy]

Pinkalicious is kind of a little shit

[Andrea @AndreaSoFancy]

Don’t mind me, just staying up til the wee hours of the morning with the sudden urge to research and invest in German ETFs

[Andrea @AndreaSoFancy]

At a Kids Museum, I found a 4yo girl crying by herself after peeing herself. She wanted her Dad
I found her Dad (& lil bro) & told him where she was so he could go get her.
Then the man came back to find me & asked where the bathrooms were.
Sir, I can’t do EVERYTHING for you!

[Andrea @AndreaSoFancy]

Me: When elephants have itchy stomachs, they use their dicks to scratch them.

Husband: Ha! That would only work for male elephants though.

…….

Me: Yes…thank you for clarifying that fact.

[Andrea @AndreaSoFancy]

Here’s a little game I like to play

baby wakes up at 1am, I’m finishing up cleaning before bed, I give baby 5 min to see if she’ll fall back asleep, my husband wakes up/grumbles “get your damn kid!” as if the baby is *not* his too…

So I play “imagine who her step-dad will be”

[Andrea @AndreaSoFancy]

Got my kids fed, ready, and in the car in time for me to swing into the McDonald’s drive thru at 10:29, just in the nick of time to order myself some breakfast.

There is a God.

[Andrea @AndreaSoFancy]

Last night I was in the middle of reading my daughter a bedtime story, when my husband brought me his first gray hair. Then he stared off in the distance and, every couple pages the story, interrupted and moaned to himself “I can’t believe this is happened to me.” 🤣

[Andrea @AndreaSoFancy]

Just rang in the New Year by helping my 3-yr-old suffering from a diarrhea bug to clean up her accident, sitting next to her in the bathroom, and reading her the book that goes “I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always. As long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be.” 💕💩#2025

[Andrea @AndreaSoFancy]

One year ago I stormed into a Lowe’s, hugely pregnant, with my screaming toddler, raised my voice at a manager and demand that I get a functioning dishwasher installed in my home (after 2 failed attempts) before my child was born, then threatened to go into labor. Good times.

[Andrea @AndreaSoFancy]

I just did a 30-minute workout and then immediately ate a potato and a breadstick. Happy Holidays.

[Andrea @AndreaSoFancy]

Apparently guys have pockets in their UNDERWEAR TOO?! Women just want a place to put their frickin’ keys (unless we’re walking at night and have to hold them between our knuckles for safety). Just give us some damn pockets!

[Andrea @AndreaSoFancy]

For the last several nights, my baby has woken up every 2-3 hours.

Now, she’s been sleeping for 5 hours. It’s 1:30am. My body’s not used to this. So I’m just laying here awake in my hotel bed. Wishing I could sleep.

[Andrea @AndreaSoFancy]

My 3 yr old is in time out right now and I can hear her yelling “Mama butt! Mama butt! Mama butt is squishy!”

Excuse me?

[Andrea @AndreaSoFancy]

My new friend thinks I’m hilarious and, honestly, I have to agree