Andrew Ketels - David Seymour's Fixer (Parody)

Former 'Bad Boy of the Beehive'

DISCLAIMER: This is a parody account of Andrew Ketels - Act Leader David Seymour's Chief of Staff (and Jenna Lynch's husband.)

[Andrew Ketels - David Seymour's Fixer (Parody) @AndrewKetels]

Overheard at the police officer's funeral:

"So this is how the Duke of Ed felt at his sister's funeral."

"See that sergeant glaring at the Commissioner? Chambers shagged his wife."

"It wasn't murder. But good turnout, huh?"

"Rape? McSkimming stood in Chamber's way."

#nzpol

[Andrew Ketels - David Seymour's Fixer (Parody) @AndrewKetels]

Is @SimonWattsMP a botched attempt to clone @RtHon_JohnKey?

#nzpol #NZPolitics

[Andrew Ketels - David Seymour's Fixer (Parody) @AndrewKetels]

Would people stop asking me how a confidential Cabinet paper ended up in the hands of @NewshubPolitics! And stop giving me funny looks!

https://t.co/Cmgi5kbUvR
#nzpol #NZPolitics

[Andrew Ketels - David Seymour's Fixer (Parody) @AndrewKetels]

@KaesturHakarl @TheZeitgeistNZ @JennaLynchNZ @winstonpeters Look, I got her a dog and that didn't work. She called it Winston.

Then I thought a kid would help but I had to look after it.

Honestly, the only cure is @NewshubPolitics sacking her. A cushy job at @AirNZMedia might shut her up.

[Andrew Ketels - David Seymour's Fixer (Parody) @AndrewKetels]

Aww... @chrisluxonmp... The negotiations didn't go that bad! Lookamee!

At least @dbseymour acknowledged me. I am his plus one, after all!

#PeakAndrewKetels #nzpol #NZPolitics

[Andrew Ketels - David Seymour's Fixer (Parody) @AndrewKetels]

The irony is that after three weeks negotiating with @winstonpeters, I was the one wearing nappies.

Thanks for the tip, @cjsbishop!

#nzpol

[Andrew Ketels - David Seymour's Fixer (Parody) @AndrewKetels]

Yup, so the @nzlabour/@NZGreens government had a ridiculous 24 ministers and all their support staff.

OK, this @NZNationalParty/@actparty/@nzfirst might have 30 ministers and under-secretaries...

...umm...

#nzpol

[Andrew Ketels - David Seymour's Fixer (Parody) @AndrewKetels]

@NewshubNationNZ Did Matthew Hooton just say that these coalition negotiations are more "leaky" than previous ones?

I couldn't possibly comment. #nzpol

[Andrew Ketels - David Seymour's Fixer (Parody) @AndrewKetels]

Yeah, my attempts at other lines of work is a work in progress...
#nzpol

[Andrew Ketels - David Seymour's Fixer (Parody) @AndrewKetels]

People like @audreyNZH call me introverted. That's because no one talks to me.

#nzpol

[Andrew Ketels - David Seymour's Fixer (Parody) @AndrewKetels]

Everyone is being so nice to me. Why?

#nzpol

[Andrew Ketels - David Seymour's Fixer (Parody) @AndrewKetels]

That's right, @audreyNZH. Deep thinker.

Hopefully, @DarrochBall believes that crap.

#nzpol

https://t.co/kCQZ7XuBVm

[Andrew Ketels - David Seymour's Fixer (Parody) @AndrewKetels]

@SeanPlunket Leave it with me. I am an expert negotiator. My wife lets me sleep on the couch.

[Andrew Ketels - David Seymour's Fixer (Parody) @AndrewKetels]

Why is everyone asking me how the dead rat tasted?

I am not into self-cannibalism.

#nzpol

https://t.co/frpEEsEJgK

[Andrew Ketels - David Seymour's Fixer (Parody) @AndrewKetels]

@KaesturHakarl @JennaLynchNZ @winstonpeters My wife said "Winston" in her sleep so often, I got her a poodle. Guess what she named it?

#nzpol

[Andrew Ketels - David Seymour's Fixer (Parody) @AndrewKetels]

Oh shit.

[Andrew Ketels - David Seymour's Fixer (Parody) @AndrewKetels]

Aaahhh... Gaslighting @winstonpeters & @MarkMitchellMP is so much fun.

Thanks for scratching that itch.

#nzelections #Elections2023 #nzpol #NZPolitics
@katieabradford
@toby_etc
@NewshubPolitics
@janepatterson
@jo_moir
@CTrevettNZH
@LukeRMalpass
@nzbenedict
@PronouncedHare

[Andrew Ketels - David Seymour's Fixer (Parody) @AndrewKetels]

One more reason why @NZGreens are idiotic hypocrites.

Their stronghold was Coromandel. Now they hold concrete jungle electorates.

@jacktame is right. @_chloeswarbrick is just about brand, not results. Sulk in Opposition.

#nzpol #NZPolitics @SeanPlunket

https://t.co/aArYKT3wMs

[Andrew Ketels - David Seymour's Fixer (Parody) @AndrewKetels]

Honey, where are my big boy pants... and my Negotiation 101 notes? Yunno, the MBA I never finished!

@dbseymour & @BrookevanVelden asked for my help!

Yeah, they trust us!

#nzelections #Elections2023 #nzpol #NZPolitics
@LukeRMalpass @toby_etc @LauraKneer @TovaOBrien @nzbenedict

[Andrew Ketels - David Seymour's Fixer (Parody) @AndrewKetels]

Every political party in Parliament wishes to thank the 119,383 voters (5.25% of votes) who wasted their votes on political parties that failed to meet the 5% threshold. You just gave us a disproportional share of seats in Parliament.
#nzpol @top_nz @NZLoyal @Freedoms_NZ