Andrew Johnson

stand up comedian

snapchat- wtfwasthat77

[Andrew Johnson @Andrewstands]

I love working outside jobs. Prostitution, drug dealing, sign spinning.
I used to love inside jobs until I got blamed for 9/11.
"9/11 was an inside job"
The hell it was!

[Andrew Johnson @Andrewstands]

Mom:fix grandma a bowl of cereal and tell her to eat it
Me: grandma mom told me to make you a bowl of cereal it's in here for you
Grandma:oh....we have a boss now?

#grandma #boss #mom #funny #comedy #laugh #life

[Andrew Johnson @Andrewstands]

@realDonaldTrump You should fly me to the White House so I can do stand up comedy for you

[Andrew Johnson @Andrewstands]

@bertkreischer Top of your game

[Andrew Johnson @Andrewstands]

Do you think when we get to heaven people in the Bible are going to be pissed off that we couldn't pronounce their goddamn names?

#funny #bible #christianhumor #didijustsaythat #noworries #stoned #stone #high #marijuana

[Andrew Johnson @Andrewstands]

LeBron James said, there is nothing more powerful than colored women.
He couldn't be more right.
Asians are powerful as fuck.

#lebronjames #funny #comedy #standupcomedy #standup #fun #socialmedia

[Andrew Johnson @Andrewstands]

We are #one day away from @ImprovOrlando show!
Contact me for free tickets!

#fun #funny #standupcomedy #standup #letsdothis #hungry #jokes

https://t.co/L2jjnkyqtz

[Andrew Johnson @Andrewstands]

Come out to this great show wednesday August 8! For free tickets hit Me up or go online keyword "grad".

#orlando #orlandoimprov #letsdothis #hamburgertime #kissimmee #florida #funny #fun #jokes #thelaughfactory #aspiring #inspirational

[Andrew Johnson @Andrewstands]

Me: I vow to never use profane language while playing super Mario

Also me: *playing super Mario* SHIT FUCK MOTHERFUCKER!!!!

#NES #nintendo #supermariobros #mario #game #play #fun #funny

[Andrew Johnson @Andrewstands]

These women on plenty of fish be like "catch my attention"
Bitch you a 2 all I'm trying to catch is a bus ride out of here.

#pof #plentyoffish #comedy #youcrazy #listit

[Andrew Johnson @Andrewstands]

Masturbation is just loneliness served in a golden bowl

#jokes #funny #masturbate #standupcomedy #improv #orlando #fun #teamlonely

[Andrew Johnson @Andrewstands]

Anybody else day drink and get that incredible urge to clean your house?

#goodmorning #drunk #daydrink #beer #house #cleaning #summercleaning

[Andrew Johnson @Andrewstands]

Farted in line at the store today. I've never been so happy to have someone around me that smelled like they bathed in perfume.

[Andrew Johnson @Andrewstands]

The president has to make America happy, most of us can't even make our own wives happy.

@realDonaldTrump

#freedom #funny #standupcomedy #ruthless #truthless #comical #sunday #sundayfunday

[Andrew Johnson @Andrewstands]

#funny #comedy #political #standupcomedy #orlandocomedy #improv #president

[Andrew Johnson @Andrewstands]

I'm just saying, Trump has to make 52 states happy, and were like "oh he sucks at this". Meanwhile we go home to a family of 4 and our mindset is we can't make anybody in our fucking families happy, yet we have the balls to say Trump isn't doing his job.

@realDonaldTrump

[Andrew Johnson @Andrewstands]

I have porn to watch.
These fatherless hoes ain't gonna watch themselves.

#comedy #funny #standupcomedy #orlandoimprov #graduation #porn #watch #redneckmemoirs

[Andrew Johnson @Andrewstands]

Found out car tires don't have innertubes ...... This is what's wrong with America

[Andrew Johnson @Andrewstands]

Netflix is a never-ending dissatisfying jukebox

[Andrew Johnson @Andrewstands]

I'm a preachers kid that fits the stereotype of, I smoke weed and drink copious amounts of alcohol.

#alcohol #weed #wheressnoop #wizkhalifa #wheremydrinkersat #funstuff #everybodymoveyourbody
#sexisasin
#what .... ?