Lux's Infertility Diary

I don't have anything clever to put here right now.

[Lux's Infertility Diary @AnthrInfertile]

Also really proud of myself for opening up a tab yesterday to get my tattoo artist's information and then remembering I'm depressed as shit and closing the tab before obtaining it. I deserve a prize for that.

[Lux's Infertility Diary @AnthrInfertile]

I've had the depressies the past couple days and I had therapy today and she was like "hey uh when was your last period?" Y'ALL I AM PROBABLY PMSING. It's nice to be back on a semi-regular cycle I guess? But also mood shifts can blow me.

[Lux's Infertility Diary @AnthrInfertile]

The past few months I tracked EWCM but I didn't notice it as much this month/didn't write it down when I did. But I'm usually exactly 2 weeks after EWCM. I think it was last week that I had ovary pain. So yes. I'm on track for a period next week. COOL COOL COOL.

[Lux's Infertility Diary @AnthrInfertile]

I’m still alive. I’ve just not been thinking about TTC. Due date passed last week without much fanfare. I’ve been keeping myself busy. I try not to think about what could have been. Still not sure if I wanna try again.

[Lux's Infertility Diary @AnthrInfertile]

@makingbabyj Sending you so much love.

[Lux's Infertility Diary @AnthrInfertile]

@ChristineSA822 I’m absolutely terrified to tell my husband I wanna be done. I don’t know how he feels.

[Lux's Infertility Diary @AnthrInfertile]

I really think I want to be done. I don't know if I can do another round, even if we have embryos left. My ANA is still high. I still feel cursed. And my marriage is struggling. It just doesn't seem like the right time, and I kind of don't want to be 40 with a toddler. #failedivf

[Lux's Infertility Diary @AnthrInfertile]

I've been putting myself out there and being vulnerable a lot in the last week and it's just been met with rudeness or coldness (except one instance where the person was nice about things). I'm inclined to just shut the fuck down until after the holidays. My heart can't take it.

[Lux's Infertility Diary @AnthrInfertile]

Truth or Dare on Discord asked what's the worst day of your life and I answer the day we were at our IVF baby's scan and the heartbeat was faint and slow. Despite showing sympathy for the guy who answered when his wife was manic, I got no response. It kind of stings.

[Lux's Infertility Diary @AnthrInfertile]

Why yes thank you for reminding me I was due January 6! Thank you! I totally forgot! Thank you for bringing this up right before the holiday @AbbottNews

[Lux's Infertility Diary @AnthrInfertile]

Had a really hard therapy session on Friday and a huge fight with my husband on Saturday. Really not feeling this Monday existence. Scared about the future too. I may have to be brave soon.

[Lux's Infertility Diary @AnthrInfertile]

If I am honest with my therapist this week we will have to talk about the feelings I’m trying to avoid. However, I’d rather just keep avoiding them. It’s easier and right now also more fun. *runs away to Norway*

[Lux's Infertility Diary @AnthrInfertile]

Oh and before someone is all like BuT yOu HaD sHoTs Y u GeT cOvId — I was boosted 10/21 and got covid 4/22, so I imagine I was probably due for another boost. Got my next booster 6/22 and my bivalent booster 11/22.

[Lux's Infertility Diary @AnthrInfertile]

I haven't died suddenly despite having all available boosters, but I did GET covid and then miscarry a very wanted baby. I'd rather not have that happen again and I certainly don't want long covid. So I'm not going to buy into conspiracy theories being touted on Twitter.

[Lux's Infertility Diary @AnthrInfertile]

@mercherolvaag I gained 9 lbs and he laughed about it.

[Lux's Infertility Diary @AnthrInfertile]

I was stable for months and months and then a doctor making a comment about my weight triggered me into a hypomanic episode and now I'm fucking depressed. It's not bad yet. I hope it doesn't get bad. But I am so unmotivated.

[Lux's Infertility Diary @AnthrInfertile]

I guess all THIS doesn't help, either, she tweets to her Twitter diary of infertility followers. It's so hard to be mentally unstable and a medical mystery. My brain trolls me. It's great.

[Lux's Infertility Diary @AnthrInfertile]

I'm feeling some kind of way today. I was looking through my year's Amazon orders and stumbled across the things I ordered before the miscarriage (a rainbow muslin blanket and a felt letter board to do the announcement) and I'm just... still gutted. It hits at such weird times.

[Lux's Infertility Diary @AnthrInfertile]

Name change because right now I can't take the dark humor I had when I originally made this account.

[Lux's Infertility Diary @AnthrInfertile]

I spiraled today. I'm leaving the tweets up because that's how I felt in the moment. I tried to sit with the feelings. I binge ate Popeyes. I talked to my best friend. I'm...on shaky ground, but I'm better. I know I need to talk to husband. I will. Maybe not today, but I will.