Anti-Joke Cat

I don't do jokes. [email protected]

[Anti-Joke Cat @AntiJokeCat]

What do you call Santa Claus with a mince pie up his nose?

Pissed.

[Anti-Joke Cat @AntiJokeCat]

How do you kill a blonde?

Irreversibly damage her vital organs to the point where she loses consciousness and will never wake again.

[Anti-Joke Cat @AntiJokeCat]

Knock knock.

Who's there?

The postman.

The postman who?

Look, do you want this parcel or not?

[Anti-Joke Cat @AntiJokeCat]

What do you get when you throw a hand grenade in a French bathroom?

Imprisonment up to 15 years in an international detainment facility.

[Anti-Joke Cat @AntiJokeCat]

How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?

One, unless she's too short, in which case she may get someone else to do it.

[Anti-Joke Cat @AntiJokeCat]

What did little Timmy want for Christmas?

Parents.

[Anti-Joke Cat @AntiJokeCat]

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Finding a worm in your caramel apple, which usually costs you that little bit extra.

[Anti-Joke Cat @AntiJokeCat]

Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One muffin says to the other, "It sure is hot in here!"

The other muffin says, "Yeah like 350, 375."

[Anti-Joke Cat @AntiJokeCat]

What did the taxi driver say to the black man who climbed into his cab?

"Where to, sir?"

[Anti-Joke Cat @AntiJokeCat]

Bob: Hey Jim, if you were a caveman, you would die.

Jim: Why?

Bob: Because everybody dies.

[Anti-Joke Cat @AntiJokeCat]

Why did the waiter put rubber bands in the soup?

Because he wasn't a very good waiter.

[Anti-Joke Cat @AntiJokeCat]

A daring man proclaimed, "Well, here goes nothing!" And nothing happened.

[Anti-Joke Cat @AntiJokeCat]

If olive oil is made from olives, what is baby oil made of?

Mineral Oil, Aloe Vera Extract, Vitamin E, Acetate, Fragrance.

[Anti-Joke Cat @AntiJokeCat]

What did the Jew say to the cashier who had forgotten to give him his change?

"You forgot my change."

[Anti-Joke Cat @AntiJokeCat]

Hey, the eighties called.

They were really excited about inventing a phone that could call the future.

[Anti-Joke Cat @AntiJokeCat]

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But roses can also be white,
And violets should be purple.

[Anti-Joke Cat @AntiJokeCat]

Opinions are like assholes.

They're both nouns.

[Anti-Joke Cat @AntiJokeCat]

What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?

Use a condom.

[Anti-Joke Cat @AntiJokeCat]

Why is six afraid of seven?

Because seven is a registered sex offender.

[Anti-Joke Cat @AntiJokeCat]

What do you call an Indian man with 5 corner shops?

An entrepreneur.