Aaron

I can't tell if my tweets are cheesy or corny but either way I'm getting hungry

SC: AP21984

[Aaron @AP21984]

I want to own a company that makes sleeping pills called PILLows

[Aaron @AP21984]

I thought I was watching the new Black Mirror but then I realized that I had forgotten to turn the tv on #BlackMirror

[Aaron @AP21984]

I accidentally called Alexa "Siri" and now I'm sleeping on the couch

[Aaron @AP21984]

God: You're a cat

*cat ignores God*

God: You'll have 9 lives

*cat licks itself*

God: ummm..... you'll always land on your feet

*cat rudely walks away*

God: Well I was going to make you man's best friend but if you're going to be like that then I'll give it to someone else

[Aaron @AP21984]

Her: I have dirty blonde hair

Me: Then go take a shower you nasty ass

[Aaron @AP21984]

I never Netflix and chill because I always have the heat on

[Aaron @AP21984]

I've got 9.9 problems and putting decimals where they don't belong is one of them

[Aaron @AP21984]

If you're in culinary school and your dog doesn't eat your homework then you're doing something wrong

[Aaron @AP21984]

Girlfriend: I think we should see other people

Blind boyfriend: .....really? Did you have to say it like that?

[Aaron @AP21984]

The rooster who did the chicken who hatched the egg was the one who really came first

[Aaron @AP21984]

Q: Why are cats always getting stuck up in trees?

A: Because they are scared of all the bark down below

12 year old me wrote that joke years ago

You're welcome Twitter 😎

[Aaron @AP21984]

I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder so bad that I have to spell it out.

[Aaron @AP21984]

Waitress: Yes we have a military discount and thank you for your service

Me: You too....

Waitress: ........

*Trying to play off my dumb "you too" comment*

Me: The food was fresh and came out quickly so again thank you for your service

[Aaron @AP21984]

Waitress: How would you like your steak?

Vampire: Not to the heart.... HaHaHaHa

Waitress: I said steak, not stake

Vampire: I know, just making a joke

Waitress: .......

Vampire: Medium rare please

*Waitress rudely rolls eyes and walks away*

Vampire: Well there goes her tip

[Aaron @AP21984]

I don't use Head and Shoulders products because I don't want the rest of my body to feel left out

[Aaron @AP21984]

Police Dog: Sir do you know why I pulled you over?

Man: I'm not sure but you're such a good boy

*Dogs tail wags*

Man: I promise I won't speed anymore. I'm just headed to work.....I'm a mailman

*Tail stops wagging*

Dog: Sir I'm going to need you to step out of the vehicle

[Aaron @AP21984]

Halloween teaches kids that it's ok to take candy from strangers just as long as you're in costume

[Aaron @AP21984]

Being a chubby chaser was easy for me because they don't run fast

[Aaron @AP21984]

I want to hire a lawyer that takes the law seriously and not just one that's practicing law

[Aaron @AP21984]

A sloth walks into a bar...

Well I got ahead of myself....it's still walking there

This is taking longer than I expected

Nevermind I'll just text ya the rest of the joke later when the sloth gets there

[Aaron @AP21984]

The ghetto area of your car is the hood