𝚊𝚜𝚑 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕𝚒𝚊𝚖𝚜𝚘𝚗

Writer. Diarrhoea survivor. Yummy mummy. Pisces.

[𝚊𝚜𝚑 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕𝚒𝚊𝚖𝚜𝚘𝚗 @AshJWilliamson]

When and why did we stop fitting marionettes with movable breasts?

[𝚊𝚜𝚑 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕𝚒𝚊𝚖𝚜𝚘𝚗 @AshJWilliamson]

@timkeyperson The fact that nobody has yet suggested the Sex Machinery Museum is concerning to me.

[𝚊𝚜𝚑 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕𝚒𝚊𝚖𝚜𝚘𝚗 @AshJWilliamson]

Same

[𝚊𝚜𝚑 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕𝚒𝚊𝚖𝚜𝚘𝚗 @AshJWilliamson]

On new horniness scale just dropped. Not sure what the bottom end is called, but at the top is Bill Clinton's Satanic Fire Cock.

[𝚊𝚜𝚑 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕𝚒𝚊𝚖𝚜𝚘𝚗 @AshJWilliamson]

i hope they play the animal hospital theme tune at his funeral it was an absolute banger

https://t.co/Dy1p1i7O7i

[𝚊𝚜𝚑 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕𝚒𝚊𝚖𝚜𝚘𝚗 @AshJWilliamson]

cant believe this is the last picture of rolf harris alive

[𝚊𝚜𝚑 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕𝚒𝚊𝚖𝚜𝚘𝚗 @AshJWilliamson]

Any of these classic lines usually work for me.

[Mr Black⁛ @MrBlackOG]

How do you approach a stranger you're romantically interested in

[𝚊𝚜𝚑 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕𝚒𝚊𝚖𝚜𝚘𝚗 @AshJWilliamson]

When someone tells me to vote for anyone but Finland #Eurovision2023

[𝚊𝚜𝚑 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕𝚒𝚊𝚖𝚜𝚘𝚗 @AshJWilliamson]

Having the subtitles on during #Eurovision2023 really helps!

[𝚊𝚜𝚑 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕𝚒𝚊𝚖𝚜𝚘𝚗 @AshJWilliamson]

@JonathanEx Like Jesus or how planes work it is more magical not to know.

[𝚊𝚜𝚑 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕𝚒𝚊𝚖𝚜𝚘𝚗 @AshJWilliamson]

Oh NOW you tell me

[𝚊𝚜𝚑 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕𝚒𝚊𝚖𝚜𝚘𝚗 @AshJWilliamson]

Why would I stay in London when I can move back north and get parched pea gift sets on the regular?

[𝚊𝚜𝚑 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕𝚒𝚊𝚖𝚜𝚘𝚗 @AshJWilliamson]

@TonyChurnside @coopuk Get out. Befriend the robot. Go on a series of zany hijinks. Bond with the machine as it develops emotions. Climb aboard and joyride it as you escape the attentions of the military. Something something happy ending.

Oh, and you have to do all this in brownface.

[𝚊𝚜𝚑 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕𝚒𝚊𝚖𝚜𝚘𝚗 @AshJWilliamson]

Appropriate uses for the #emergencyalert

Terror attack
Second pandemic
Attenborough dead
Well hot day
Proper rainy week
DFS 50% sale ends
David Jason arrested
KFC runs out of chicken again
It comes home

[𝚊𝚜𝚑 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕𝚒𝚊𝚖𝚜𝚘𝚗 @AshJWilliamson]

Four phones on my arms. Six on each thigh. Three on the neck. Four on my tummy. One strapped to each buttock. Two in the gob. The others are secreted in places I shan't mention.

When the 3pm emergency alert hits I will enter the matrix. Or cum. Happy with either result.

[𝚊𝚜𝚑 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕𝚒𝚊𝚖𝚜𝚘𝚗 @AshJWilliamson]

Looking at that first Pepsi logo wondering wtf happened.

[Pop Base @PopBase]

Pepsi’s logos throughout the years:

[𝚊𝚜𝚑 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕𝚒𝚊𝚖𝚜𝚘𝚗 @AshJWilliamson]

Very jealous of my sister's vintage Spice Girls t-shirt.

[𝚊𝚜𝚑 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕𝚒𝚊𝚖𝚜𝚘𝚗 @AshJWilliamson]

I'm top of the charts baby!

[𝚊𝚜𝚑 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕𝚒𝚊𝚖𝚜𝚘𝚗 @AshJWilliamson]

@ancientmarinade Almost! This is the day I shall be cremated. Not sure which year. Whenever it feels right.