Ashley

Comedian / writer / cookbook author / New England Californian

[Ashley @AshleyEBlom]

What if on the other end of Chat GPT it's just a bunch of Meeseeks and we're killing them every time they complete a task?

[Ashley @AshleyEBlom]

@aquariusdays It's ok, Ariana Grande has enough followers.

[Ashley @AshleyEBlom]

Hey guys, been off Twitter for a few years now... has anything changed?

[Ashley @AshleyEBlom]

At an Ethiopian restaurant and just watched a woman eat a roll of injera like a burrito 🤦‍♀️

[Ashley @AshleyEBlom]

Do you remember when you joined Twitter? I do! #MyTwitterAnniversary

[Ashley @AshleyEBlom]

The gas pump said to put in my number to get 5¢ off per gallon. So I put in my area code and 867-5309 to see if it would still give me the deal.

“Welcome back, Jennifer. Enjoy 5¢ off per gallon today”

I cannot stop laughing.

#iykyk #jennyigotyournumber

[Ashley @AshleyEBlom]

I know I’m bisexual because whenever I read the phrase “pointed out” I picture the subject giving finger guns.

[Ashley @AshleyEBlom]

Paul Dano is somehow hot while also looking like his face is made out of Play-doh

[Ashley @AshleyEBlom]

Oh man I can’t wait for guys on dating apps to replace bitching about Snapchat filters and start bitching about AI avatars…

[Ashley @AshleyEBlom]

Spoilers for The Menu but I give you no context

[Ashley @AshleyEBlom]

Trying to be funny on Twitter is pointless right now because the entire company is such a joke.

[Ashley @AshleyEBlom]

My level of satisfaction in life, illustrated by how I make my morning coffee:
Starbucks - walking on sunshine
Brewing a pot of coffee - great
K-cup coffee - medium
Instant coffee - low
Also Starbucks - attempting not to hit rock bottom

[Ashley @AshleyEBlom]

Big Time Movie Making People: You’re kind of a big star now, we’d like you in our movie.
Pete Davidson Probably: Ok cool so long as you kill my character off in the first ten minutes.
Movie Making People: YOU HAVE A DEAL!

[Ashley @AshleyEBlom]

Ad Algorithm: You looking for a job?
Me: Yes!
Ad Algorithm: Have you considered DONATING YOUR EGGS?
Me: Um...
Egg Donation Service: JK JK HAHA YOUR TOO OLD!!!1
Me: ..... it's "you're."
#funemployment #hireme

[Ashley @AshleyEBlom]

I mean, I COULD pay for Hulu without ads but then I’d miss the Venus commercial with ANTHROPOMORPHIC PUBES and who doesn’t want to see that?

[Ashley @AshleyEBlom]

I just want to take a minute to remember “then who was fone” thank you.

[Ashley @AshleyEBlom]

He’s a ten but doesn’t believe in the Oxford comma

[Ashley @AshleyEBlom]

Three things for a hot girl summer: sunscreen, wine, and travel for abortion. (Actual email I got today)

[Ashley @AshleyEBlom]

Repooplicans💩

[Ashley @AshleyEBlom]

So glad free speech is coming back on Twitter so I can say that if you have the $$ to make an actual difference in things like working to end hunger and homelessness but you buy a social media app instead you’re an asshole.