Audrey Birkhimer

green grapes, avocados, green beans, and the color black.

[Audrey Birkhimer @AudgeBirkhimer]

Once I told the tallest boy in my class that I could grow taller, but his ugliness will never go away. I’m 5’2” and he’s now on the US Men’s National Volleyball team. 🙃

[Audrey Birkhimer @AudgeBirkhimer]

@eleanorhilley To be fair, I did not know Butch Cassidy was a real person until last week.

[Audrey Birkhimer @AudgeBirkhimer]

Turns out all my *thorough* Pinterest board planning is actually not helpful in furnishing my apartment...

[Audrey Birkhimer @AudgeBirkhimer]

Life in your 20s is like teenage angst minus the teenage.

[Audrey Birkhimer @AudgeBirkhimer]

@brooke_dian5 I don't know what you mean, but I can imagine what you mean. And it's HILARIOUS.

[Audrey Birkhimer @AudgeBirkhimer]

@AptTherapy @xoxosarahnoelle

[Audrey Birkhimer @AudgeBirkhimer]

@_slmm all the tech companies be like..

[Audrey Birkhimer @AudgeBirkhimer]

80% of my Twitter use is favoriting Alexa's aka @brooke_dian5 tweets from the past two weeks.

[Audrey Birkhimer @AudgeBirkhimer]

@M_Kaddesh Wow. I am truly honored!

[Audrey Birkhimer @AudgeBirkhimer]

I'm becoming a substitute teacher and I think I've made a mistake... TEACHERS ARE A DIFFERENT BREED OF PEOPLE and I am not one of them.

[Audrey Birkhimer @AudgeBirkhimer]

New York City's Amazon HQ2 Loss Could Be These Cities' Gain via @forbes https://t.co/X8yXjuQW4q

[Audrey Birkhimer @AudgeBirkhimer]

My Resume: truth-filled jargon to squeeze in buzzwords from the job posting. RT if u can relate!!!

[Audrey Birkhimer @AudgeBirkhimer]

@lilydoggiev I actually looked at like 3 pages last time I was there, then said, "Interesting, but nope." LOL

[Audrey Birkhimer @AudgeBirkhimer]

Does anyone else wonder what Khalid's mom thought when she heard "Damn my car still smells like marijuana, my mom is gonna kill me" listening to 8TEEN? Just me?

[Audrey Birkhimer @AudgeBirkhimer]

Will I ever learn to write a cover letter without Googling "cover letter examples" first? Spoiler: no, I won't.

[Audrey Birkhimer @AudgeBirkhimer]

You’d think after all the weddings I’ve been to, I’d know what to do with the gift when walking in, but no. I’m still clueless. 🤷🏽‍♀️

[Audrey Birkhimer @AudgeBirkhimer]

Hi just here to confess that I’m a 40-year-old mom who loves emojis but also tries to be ~relevant*~.‼️🤨✌🏼

[Audrey Birkhimer @AudgeBirkhimer]

Honestly I’m still thinking about the food I ate 2 weeks ago.

[Audrey Birkhimer @AudgeBirkhimer]

@xoxosarahnoelle Wow. That’s chilling.

[Audrey Birkhimer @AudgeBirkhimer]

@HeathrowAirport Maybe a trip to Frankfurt!!

[Audrey Birkhimer @AudgeBirkhimer]

Sitting in Heathrow looking at Google Flights for next month 🤷🏽‍♀️