Austin Hess

Hello, there.

[Austin Hess @AustinHess]

Just got my MRI at Shields MRI. The response to my getup was somewhat underwhelming. #RogerThat

[Austin Hess @AustinHess]

Damn. I was skeptical of #BetterCallSaul at first, but it definitely lives up to #BreakingBad.

[Austin Hess @AustinHess]

Inordinately sad that @GregGutfeld has left @RedEyeFNC. Giving up childhood dream of being on. At least @AndyLevy is still there (I guess).

[Austin Hess @AustinHess]

My wife just told me the wife from #HouseOfCards is the girl in #PrincessBride. With that and Saul on #Homeland, #MindBlown.

[Austin Hess @AustinHess]

You know it's been a bad winter when 25 degrees feels too warm to bother with a jacket.

[Austin Hess @AustinHess]

#DiabeticThoughts: Why I am I dumber than the average pancreas? Also, why is my pancreas stupider than shit?

[Austin Hess @AustinHess]

Well that was a heavy few days without heat/hot water back in 1885. Now we're home in good old 2015. It's good to get back to the future.

[Austin Hess @AustinHess]

3rd night without heat/hot water (no end in sight). Gas leak that can't be fixed until 8 feet of snow removed from our alley. Hotel time.

[Austin Hess @AustinHess]

I think I'm giving up winter for lent.

[Austin Hess @AustinHess]

Still no heat or hot water. Looks like another shower with old dudes at the work gym. #OldManAss

[Austin Hess @AustinHess]

After having to literally having to fetch bathwater, the phrase "fetch me a bath" has taken on a brand new tyrannical meaning.

[Austin Hess @AustinHess]

Just misread (and agreed with) @Fox25news chyron "Boston on list of top cities no one wants to live in." (actually "drive")

[Austin Hess @AustinHess]

All snow and no showers make Austin... something something... #BlowMeToBermuda

[Austin Hess @AustinHess]

Good news, everyone! We now have no heat or hot water (wind chill was -32 when I woke up). Go home winter, you're drunk.

[Austin Hess @AustinHess]

"Every day I'm shovel-in'" #ShitMyWifeSays

[Austin Hess @AustinHess]

Thinking of petitioning the condo association to rename our building "Winterfell."

[Austin Hess @AustinHess]

I think if I were ever to run for office, I'd go by "Austerity" Austin (Hess)... but who am I kidding? I'm too honest to run for office.

[Austin Hess @AustinHess]

"I do read Fark, you know." #ShitMyWifeSays

[Austin Hess @AustinHess]

The @geekswhodrink douche at @whitehorsetavrn just asked a question referring to @MarcoRubio as a "Florida tea-bagger." Last time here.

[Austin Hess @AustinHess]

We once again have indoor plumbing! I can shower, wash my hands, and the toilet refills itself! Never thought I'd be so excited by that.