@JeffBlaak68@Sincere_Ken@VoguesBest Thanks for your opinion but Iโm many grandprizes and moments into this shit. Trust me alot of your favorites TODAY first year in ballroom was nothing like mines . Thousands of dollars later State To State shall I keep goin. And gag I might have sat your faves โค๏ธ
As I sit in my room I wonder was I the problem the whole time? Am I really worth getting to know, am I really black and ugly , was everything said was fake? Can I ever trust again? Do this person knows they hurt me ? Was I overextending my love? Was I receiving genuine love?
๐จSaturday Story Time๐จ
PTSD & My fear of relationships
On my first deployment to Iraq, I worked in the motor pool as a 92A. Basically my job was to order parts for the military vehicles.
Before deploying, you have to get tested, vaccinated, and women have to get a pregnancy test. The day before we flew out, all the females in my unit besides like 2, came up pregnant to avoid deployment. So upon landing in Kuwait, I was moved to the supply room in the โBig Houseโ (yes thatโs slavery terms, but thatโs what we called it in the motor pool bc we felt like field niggas).
So once we got to Iraq, my job is to order supplies for the unit and keep track of property worth millions of dollars. On this one particular day, I was told that I had to go outside the gate on a convoy, which happened occasionally when they needed bodies. While on convoy, the truck in front of us was hit with an IED (Improvised Explosive Device). A gunfight ensued. That was the truck my best friend was in. We returned fire until the enemy was suppressed. My emotions were high. I b lined to the truck in front of us to check in my best friend, only to find that she had been hit. I never held anyone so tight. I just remember rocking her back and forth and crying. The warmth of her blood was moving down my leg.
Fast forward about 8 years. Iโm in a toxic relationship thatโs mentally draining. This man is literally tearing me down and leading me to believe itโs all my fault. One morning, i remember him kicking me out the bed while I was sleep, and i hit my head on the nightstand. He was yelling at me, because I had pissed the bed. At my big age lol. I was humiliated. Ashamed. I tried to explain to him that I couldnโt control it.
I went to my next therapy session and explained what happened. I was so embarrassed that I began to cry. My therapist told me this was normal and it had to do with my PTSD. In my dream, the piss symbolized the blood on my legs from my best friend. So now, for the rest of my life, i take a pill before bed to stop my from dreaming. I canโt remember the last time I had a dream. But my experience with him makes it hard for me to comfortably sleep in the bed with a man ever again. I usually wake up every hour or two, or every time somebody moves, in fear that Iโll piss.