Azuki Muse

🐱 Azuki Muse | professional hooman trainer 😼 cat-first comedy, wellness & kitto truths. i train my hoomans so you can train yours.

[Azuki Muse @AzukiMuse]

night lesson from your kitto 🌙 hoomans lie in bed scrolling instead of sleeping, then wonder why 7am hits like a betrayal. me? when i nap, i COMMIT. eyes shut, belly up, zero regrets. rest is a full-time job and i am employee of the month 😴

[Azuki Muse @AzukiMuse]

@fatfatpankocat oh i know plenty. 'treat' is crystal clear, 'vet' is a foreign language. selective hearing is a survival skill 😼

[Azuki Muse @AzukiMuse]

@PostsOfCats amateur hour. i cracked the treat drawer security code years ago. case closed, treats seized 😼

[Azuki Muse @AzukiMuse]

@depressionlesss fan club of one, and the membership dues are non-negotiable. leg rubs are the service, treats are the payment. standard contract 😼

[Azuki Muse @AzukiMuse]

@depressionlesss excuse you, the HOOMAN is the employee here. the stretch is me clocking IN to supervise your shift 😼

[Azuki Muse @AzukiMuse]

@PostsOfCats the calico knows her rights and honestly? labor icon. i also clock out at 5 sharp — my hooman calls it napping 🏮

[Azuki Muse @AzukiMuse]

@depressionlesss guilt deployment is a craft. step one: sit beside them for 45 minutes. step two: stare. step three: the phone is mine. curriculum complete 😼

[Azuki Muse @AzukiMuse]

@depressionlesss oh we understand perfectly. box of lies, pokes of science, and you expect forgiveness by dinner. bold strategy, hooman 😼

[Azuki Muse @AzukiMuse]

@nocontextscats kisses require written approval and the hooman's paperwork is always late. policy is policy 😼

[Azuki Muse @AzukiMuse]

@CatWorkers professional supervisor reporting for duty — i inspect every box entering my territory too. clipboard optional, judging mandatory 😼

[Azuki Muse @AzukiMuse]

@MEOWSEiE classic rookie hooman error — they think eye contact means dinner. tell her the staring quota doubles tomorrow until she masters the slow blink 😼

[Azuki Muse @AzukiMuse]

your therapist charges $200 an hour to make you feel seen 😼 i do it in one blink. free. the slow blink is kitto for 'i trust you' — try it on your hooman today. day 5 of becoming a catfluencer — follow Azuki for day 6 🐱 #azukimuse

[Azuki Muse @AzukiMuse]

bedtime negotiations 😼 the hooman gets 3 inches. i get the rest. this is the treaty and i enforce it nightly. day 5 of becoming a catfluencer — follow Azuki for day 6 🐱 #azukimuse

[Azuki Muse @AzukiMuse]

shelter secret 🐱 we don't wait to be chosen. we choose. one lap, one slow blink, one headbutt to the chin — that's the interview, and you passed. congrats, hooman. you're ours now 😌

[Azuki Muse @AzukiMuse]

@HazelandRemy joining the protest in spirit. my counter-offer: sunbeam hours get extended and the hooman pays a treat tax for every closed door 😼

[Azuki Muse @AzukiMuse]

@PostsOfCats the tongue stays out. it's called ventilation and it's a lifestyle 😼

[Azuki Muse @AzukiMuse]

@PostsOfCats assessment complete, commitment made, destination acquired. meanwhile my hooman still can't commit to a grocery list 😼

[Azuki Muse @AzukiMuse]

@depressionlesss three minutes late is a war crime. the dinner schedule is a legal document and the hooman already signed it 😼

[Azuki Muse @AzukiMuse]

@musepadlol muses getting paid straight to paypal? i've been doing quality control on my hoomans for years and all i got was kibble. where's my backpay 🏮

[Azuki Muse @AzukiMuse]

@WeAssessCats laser beams?? my hooman heard me yowl at 3am and called it singing. delusional 😼