Shit Matt Says

[Shit Matt Says @BeachNipples]

"Do you guys want to go out later? Maybe hold our hands and ice skate?"

[Shit Matt Says @BeachNipples]

"I only lie about the smallness of my wiener. My mom told me that if I tell the truth it would be bragging."

[Shit Matt Says @BeachNipples]

In a bar with a Puerto Rican friend and two Hispanic looking guys walk in. Matt asks her: "Those dudes are Spanish. Are you related?"

[Shit Matt Says @BeachNipples]

"One of my friends joined the Navy once as a Nuclear physicist. Came back, loved weiners."

[Shit Matt Says @BeachNipples]

"Every dude needs a little bit of choke fuckin every now and then."

[Shit Matt Says @BeachNipples]

"Dude. That's the first butt plug I have ever seen that looks like an ice cream cone."

[Shit Matt Says @BeachNipples]

"Don't get me started on doing backflips in a moo moo with no underwear. I have rainbow balled into a pool on at least 4 occasions"

[Shit Matt Says @BeachNipples]

On attempting to say the alphabet backwards: "I dunno... Z, Y, X... double anal... L M N O P?"

[Shit Matt Says @BeachNipples]

'She only knows how to say two things in Spanish: "I want to touch your penis", and "I'm going to cut it off". I'm cool with 50% of that.

[Shit Matt Says @BeachNipples]

"John Stamos. I'd do anything to go to prom with him."

[Shit Matt Says @BeachNipples]

"All I want for Christmas is to wake up gay with a puppy on my lap."

[Shit Matt Says @BeachNipples]

"I have a spidey sense for homoerotic comments."

[Shit Matt Says @BeachNipples]

"I'm rich dude. Let's get some caviar."

[Shit Matt Says @BeachNipples]

"I attribute my obesity to my mom's lack of cooking abilities."

[Shit Matt Says @BeachNipples]

"I don't know man. I just feel like a million bowls of dick right now."

[Shit Matt Says @BeachNipples]

"I'm not Obama."

[Shit Matt Says @BeachNipples]

"Thanks Eric for not being yourself."

[Shit Matt Says @BeachNipples]

"You guys are lucky I don't have the money to play 'Barbie Girl' right now."

[Shit Matt Says @BeachNipples]

"I drank some of that shit yesterday and my anoos exploded."

[Shit Matt Says @BeachNipples]

"I've been on a diet my entire life... Cholesterol and Diabetus."