Matt

[Men's Humor @MensHumor]

The best stories always start with "Hold my beer for a second"

[Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien]

My lifetime ratio of bananas purchased to bananas eaten is running about 5 to 1.

[Skrillex @Skrillex]

I read this on a twitter profile 2day "No one looks back on their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep" nuff said

[Flirtationship! @FLIRTATIONSHlP]

BREAKING NEWS: Donald Trump demands Osama Bin Laden's death certificate.

[Tiësto @tiesto]

HahaaRT @Trendeh: Haters gonna hate, Gators gonna gate, Waiters gonna wait, Cheese-graters gonna grate. Potatoes gonna..potate.

[Betty F*ckin' White @BettyFckinWhite]

If I worked as a porn star, I bet I would do a bang up job.

[Goat lord @deadmau5]

thanks @EpicMealTime my house is going to smell like bacon for 3 years at least. :)

['SOFI' @SOFIofficial]

"flop shoe like a skeedle on the deckered watch poo skin a hound slop some pete." @PaulMacrae

[Betty F*ckin' White @BettyFckinWhite]

#highschooltaughtme that to kill a Woolly Mammoth you need to aim your spear at its soft underbelly.