BeeKop

@Bkop92 alt - just personal stuff now

[BeeKop @BeeKop92]

I offer nothing except failure and some days I think it's time to go. I think people perceive me as the loser I believe I am and I'm tired of fighting.

[BeeKop @BeeKop92]

I find that no matter how hard I try to feel the opposite all I feel is failure. I'm an outsider in my friend and an outsider in my life. Goals I've failed to hit continue to haunt me no matter what. How do people handle the heavy pressure when it sits on you every day.

[BeeKop @BeeKop92]

Been thinking about what I've accomplished with my 11 years in casting Dota and I can't seem to convince myself that I've accomplished anything. I don't work the main stage of TI or EWC and I just feel like I'm wasting my time knowing it'll never change.

[BeeKop @BeeKop92]

The Mets make the playoffs and the only thing I want is to talk about it with my dad. We would go back and forth between who we wish we were playing in the wild card and if they really have a chance.

[BeeKop @BeeKop92]

I feel like I've felt a spark with a few people in my life recently and it's just burnt out so quickly. Like I'm having that feeling but the other person isn't. I'm one of those strike anywhere matches

[BeeKop @BeeKop92]

It's days like today where I'm supposed to be happy but yet there are people who helped me get to moments like these that I can't share it with anymore. It makes me mentally miserable. It doesn't feel normal.

[BeeKop @BeeKop92]

Having to fight for money I earned and was promised makes me hate this business. I was promised a 30/30/40 pay 30% before 30% during 40% after. I was told "That's how our practice is" We start casting with no pay and haven't received it after either.

[BeeKop @BeeKop92]

Truthfully idk if I can keep going anymore. I think I can admit at 31 that I've done nothing with my life and I'm worthless ruining everything I touch.

[BeeKop @BeeKop92]

Didn't think a mind goblin joke would get so much harassment but I guess I should expect anything I say to. Might be time to take a break from socials.

[BeeKop @BeeKop92]

Wild how many people get chewed up in this business and used, who give it their hardest only for someone to ruin all that from their position of power they have and missuse. Let me tell you it ain't a family.

[BeeKop @BeeKop92]

End of November has always been rough with the anniversary of my dads death. I've been feeling very scared of my age and own mortality. Feeling very alone and missing my ex and having a brain full of regrets.

[BeeKop @BeeKop92]

Having that dream about the day I lost my dad again. Thought I was passed it but here we are again. Not sure why it's back but it kills me every time.

[BeeKop @BeeKop92]

Im here alone and I don't think I can do it anymore

[BeeKop @BeeKop92]

Yea it's time to accept I'm a bad caster and I'll never make it to the next level. Two "everyone's here" events and I'm not working which can only mean I'm shit at my job. It's been fun but I have no place here anymore.

[BeeKop @BeeKop92]

I think I continue to set my expectations of my success too high each year. Leading to a massive crash of emotion and depression when I fail each time. Wcyd

[BeeKop @BeeKop92]

Anxiety about life and work has been peaking recently. I don't know why but I'm falling back into the everyone dislikes me mindset even though things have been okay. Just hope my year continues and doesn't end soon.

[BeeKop @BeeKop92]

I know stability is good and it makes me happy but I do want growth in my life too and I just don't see it happening. I'm trying to work through the mental struggles of it but it's not easy especially when it feels like I'm alone in doing so.

[BeeKop @BeeKop92]

The mental gymnastics people can do to think the things they do is truly insane. Some people in my life never cease to amaze me with how they get from A to Q

[BeeKop @BeeKop92]

I give too many undeserving people room in my head

[BeeKop @BeeKop92]

Had that dream where I see my dad's body after he passed again last night. I haven't had this dream in like two years. When I was having this dream originally it was every night since the day it happened. I thought I was better but I woke up crying and in a major panic.