Ben Singer

Aspiring comedy writer/performer...
because there aren't enough of those already

[Ben Singer @Ben_Singer5]

I’m a young man in an old person’s body. I have a pacemaker, two reconstructed knees, and every night before bed I look at Zillow.

[Ben Singer @Ben_Singer5]

Just posted a photo @ The Academy Playhouse https://t.co/6bo6PTjZL2

[Ben Singer @Ben_Singer5]

Just posted a photo @ The Academy Playhouse https://t.co/ueAAFU7btF

[Ben Singer @Ben_Singer5]

People who post their engagement on social media should be liable to post if they get divorced

[Ben Singer @Ben_Singer5]

I wish all of the existential threats to our well being could start working against each other instead of aginast us. If only the supreme court could contract Delta and get washed away in a hurricane.

[Ben Singer @Ben_Singer5]

The objective of netowokring emails is to convey the following: I want you to do me a favor but I genuinely don’t want you to feel pressured to. However, I kind of need that favor. Oh and by the way, I am super respectful, poised, ambitious, hardworking, smart and not desperate.

[Ben Singer @Ben_Singer5]

Whoever is keeping track of dynasties at the NYT has an unusual list going: Shang Dynasty Tang Dynasty, Song Dynasty, Ming Dynasty, Qing Dynasty, Governor Andrew M. Cuomo 3.5 terms

https://t.co/1bVB3e5HqM

[Ben Singer @Ben_Singer5]

The 2020 census revealed the fastest-growing U.S. metro area is a Florida retirement community. If you visit, check yelp for the hottest new libraries and bus stops.

[Ben Singer @Ben_Singer5]

An Austin brewery is giving away free cases of beer for those who get vaccinated. UT Austin frat houses have now signed up for daily booster shots.

[Ben Singer @Ben_Singer5]

Mets’ pitcher David Peterson needs foot surgery after tripping in the locker room. He can strikeout the best hitters on the planet but can’t WATCH HIS STEP!?

[Ben Singer @Ben_Singer5]

Nothing is better for a fish population than each member plummeting to its death.

[The New York Times @nytimes]

The Utah Division of Wildlife Resources said that last week it used planes to stock fish in about 200 lakes that are inaccessible by vehicle. The division said it has aerial-stocked fish since the 1950s and that they have a high survival rate. https://t.co/oHWlwAO80K

[Ben Singer @Ben_Singer5]

I wonder why every time a truck comes to a stop, it sighs.

[Ben Singer @Ben_Singer5]

The better a place's food is, the more intolerable its people are. Ex: Manhattan, West Hollywood, and Europe.

[Ben Singer @Ben_Singer5]

Everyone would fail the SAT if the only question was “what does SAT stand for?”

[Ben Singer @Ben_Singer5]

The CDC said lifting mask restrictions for the vaccinated will encourage people to get shots. I don’t think anti-vaxxers are waiting for permission to take their masks off.

[Ben Singer @Ben_Singer5]

This is like taking Plan B after the kid is born.

https://t.co/sU3uQ3GhaS

[Ben Singer @Ben_Singer5]

Aliens looking at Linkedin would think “wait, this can’t be right. This ENTIRE species has communication skills? What are the chances?!”

[Ben Singer @Ben_Singer5]

"One of the most common anti-vax rumors involves the mRNA in the vaccines somehow rewriting your personal DNA....” - WebMD

It's hard to believe anti-vaxxers know what mRNA is. That’s like claiming toddlers’ most common aversion to broccoli is distrust of photosynthesis.

[Ben Singer @Ben_Singer5]

It’s hard catching up with friends because you always have a competition to ask about the other person’s life before they ask about yours.

[Ben Singer @Ben_Singer5]

Conceptualizing the passage of time over the last year feels like doing ayahuasca.